I give thanks to my Lord for the kindnesses He continues to lavish upon you, upon me, upon us as father and son in the Spirit of the living God, and upon all of God's children. The Father's Day weekend afforded me some good breathing space to pray, think, and consider my words in response to your Giving In post.
Let me begin by telling you how much the Lord is using you to bless untold numbers of individuals. Only in heaven may you catch a glimpse of all the lives that have been touched, that will be blessed, that are being transformed as a result of your Spirit-led obedience to share your story with vulnerability, honesty, and transparency. I find myself in a truly privileged position to watch and observe firsthand the beautiful offering you are sending God-ward:
a broken and contrite heart
a humble and penitent spirit
a lowly and repentant heart
"The sacrifice You desire is a broken spirit.
You will not reject a broken and repentant heart,
O God."
Psalm 51:17, NLT
To you, however, it feels hard.
Of course, it does.
Would you ask dough how it feels in the elevated temperature of an oven before it turns to bread? No wonder this endeavor feels to you like "one of the hardest journeys to think about, write about, vulnerably share and confess; to be fully transparent in what [you've] encountered." So, my dear son, remember your identity as dough in the hands of the Master Baker who alone can knead you, let you rise, and bake you into the likeness of Christ.
As I received and read your confession, a vivid portrait was drawn before my eyes:
Senior Year.
Long, haunting, hurtful, tiresome road.
Friendships. Academics. Athletics. Goals.
Opportunities for pride to germinate and grow.
Human recognition. Feeling known. Being noticed.
Self-righteousness. Heterosexual relationship. Exceptional talent.
A net worth of earthly riches -- attention, praise, importance, popularity.
"Who could ask for anything more?"
Apparently, both you and God asked for something more, something other than your catalog of "goods" could provide -- humility. This is a lesson that every single one of us needs to learn: Humility frees us up to act need.
We need God.
We need Him to fulfill us.
We need Him to align us.
We need Him to satisfy us.
We need Him to guide us.
We need Him to embrace us.
And until we humble ourselves in the sight of the Lord, "opportunities" will arise in the form of hardships, temptations, trials, and enticements to get us on our knees begging for . . .
more of the Son
more of the Father
more of the Holy Spirit
So, senioritis (mindful fruitlessness) and self-focus (misplaced energy) were two "opportunities" that drew you to let your guard down and welcome a tantalizing option -- a conversation with someone you'd barely known.
As a result of not really paying attention, your seemingly innocent talking and texting "just about anything and everything" gradually and effectively drew you two closer and closer to each other. Though you had not yet met in person, a deep level of intimacy was developed easily leading you to think of the two of you as "best friends."
Clearly, those "opportunities" led you to acknowledge a deep need -- you wanted the deepest recesses of your heart to be known and received. In that, you are just like me, just like any other human being. We all desire our truest selves to come out, to be exposed, to be utterly free and unveiled. And so, when another "opportunity" arose, when an alluring offer materialized, when an appetizing bait was dangled before your hungry eyes, temptation caught you unawares . . .
a secret
a deep secret
a shared secret
"What is one secret that no one would want to share unless someone else had the same secret… ?"
Well, it could have been any secret. But you already knew same-sex attraction was the one in question. You already knew because, even though it had not yet been discussed per se, for days and weeks both of your hearts were increasingly getting exposed to a deep level of shared acceptance -- something for which you both craved most passionately. You already knew because no one else had ever paused long enough to notice the hunger that daily left you more and more famished for deep intimacy.
If there is one thing your story has unearthed in me, it is this:
The Church is called to SEE.
We are called to let the Holy Spirit open our eyes to see, really see, the hunger that has lodged itself within people. Same-sex attracted individuals, people attracted to the opposite sex, young people, old people, the foreigner, the obese girl, all of us are hungry for intimacy.
So going back to your story, dearest Sammy, I want you to know I understand the emotions you described. You were shaking because you have NEVER up to that point met anyone to whom you could say,
"Um . . . you too?"
And there he was.
On the other end of the line, there was someone to whom you could relate -- fully relate.
He too was attracted to other men.
Your prayer "God, what do I do? Help me. I don't know what to say. I don't know what to do." is exactly what all of us are called to do when facing any situation. Jehoshaphat said it this way,
Although you did not keep your eyes on Him after your prayer, please give glory to God because He heard your prayer -- you are now living the result of that prayer of yore. He is showing you what to do now and boy are we grateful for His gracious hand in guiding you. Though you lied at first, Jesus is now guiding you to tell the truth. Though you denied your homosexual leaning at first, the Holy Spirit is graciously prompting you to unveil it for His higher purposes.
So, may I gently request a different line of self-examination?
Instead of pondering . . .
"How awful of me? How could I have just sat there when I knew exactly what this person was going through and was brave enough to share with me, but completely lie about it as they felt the pain and neglect once more?"
. . . could you consider this: "Lord, what do You want me to do with this confession? How can I encourage and strengthen my friend in his brokenness? How can I confess in a similar fashion? What do you want to do with this area of weakness for Your glory, O precious Christ?"
Your going to Scripture was right. It is always the right thing to do to mine the fields of the Word in search of what the Lord says about a particular topic. However, going with a specific human agenda ("to cure oneself or others of homosexual lust," for example) hinders the work of the Holy Spirit. It is not homosexual passion or same-sex attraction that is the issue; the issue at hand is . . . does your passion for the Lord outshine or outperform your all-consuming fleshly passions?
In that, same-sex attraction is indeed a blessing because it points you to your need of and for Christ.
And of course, the lies caught up with you -- guilt, shame, hurt, half-truths, self-righteousness, hiding behind a heterosexual relationship, more cover-up . . . while "still struggling every single day" with hard-to-take facts:
You still struggled.
You still had the unwanted "it."
You still had the desire to act on it.
You still had an aching heart.
You still longed to give in.
And he knew it.
And you knew it.
And the Father knew it.
And you gave in.
Your hungry eyes and heart hinted at the idea of something more happening . . . you allowed yourself to be enticed by his pursuit . . . you allowed your feet to be ensnared . . . you were led to straddle the fence between right and wrong . . .
But God was there, dear one.
Even in the midst of "giving in," your name was still engraved in the palm of His hand.
He knew what you were doing . . . do you know what He is doing to fulfill your greatest need?
As your story unfurls, I cannot wait to see what the Man of glory writes on our hearts through the pen of your grace-filled life. I love you, dear son!
Long, haunting, hurtful, tiresome road.
Friendships. Academics. Athletics. Goals.
Opportunities for pride to germinate and grow.
Human recognition. Feeling known. Being noticed.
Self-righteousness. Heterosexual relationship. Exceptional talent.
A net worth of earthly riches -- attention, praise, importance, popularity.
"Who could ask for anything more?"
Apparently, both you and God asked for something more, something other than your catalog of "goods" could provide -- humility. This is a lesson that every single one of us needs to learn: Humility frees us up to act need.
We need God.
We need Him to fulfill us.
We need Him to align us.
We need Him to satisfy us.
We need Him to guide us.
We need Him to embrace us.
And until we humble ourselves in the sight of the Lord, "opportunities" will arise in the form of hardships, temptations, trials, and enticements to get us on our knees begging for . . .
more of the Son
more of the Father
more of the Holy Spirit
So, senioritis (mindful fruitlessness) and self-focus (misplaced energy) were two "opportunities" that drew you to let your guard down and welcome a tantalizing option -- a conversation with someone you'd barely known.
"O be careful little ears what you hear . . .
O be careful little eyes what you see . . .
O be careful little lips what you say . . .
O be careful little fingers what you [text]"
As a result of not really paying attention, your seemingly innocent talking and texting "just about anything and everything" gradually and effectively drew you two closer and closer to each other. Though you had not yet met in person, a deep level of intimacy was developed easily leading you to think of the two of you as "best friends."
Clearly, those "opportunities" led you to acknowledge a deep need -- you wanted the deepest recesses of your heart to be known and received. In that, you are just like me, just like any other human being. We all desire our truest selves to come out, to be exposed, to be utterly free and unveiled. And so, when another "opportunity" arose, when an alluring offer materialized, when an appetizing bait was dangled before your hungry eyes, temptation caught you unawares . . .
a secret
a deep secret
a shared secret
"What is one secret that no one would want to share unless someone else had the same secret… ?"
Well, it could have been any secret. But you already knew same-sex attraction was the one in question. You already knew because, even though it had not yet been discussed per se, for days and weeks both of your hearts were increasingly getting exposed to a deep level of shared acceptance -- something for which you both craved most passionately. You already knew because no one else had ever paused long enough to notice the hunger that daily left you more and more famished for deep intimacy.
If there is one thing your story has unearthed in me, it is this:
The Church is called to SEE.
We are called to let the Holy Spirit open our eyes to see, really see, the hunger that has lodged itself within people. Same-sex attracted individuals, people attracted to the opposite sex, young people, old people, the foreigner, the obese girl, all of us are hungry for intimacy.
So going back to your story, dearest Sammy, I want you to know I understand the emotions you described. You were shaking because you have NEVER up to that point met anyone to whom you could say,
"Um . . . you too?"
And there he was.
On the other end of the line, there was someone to whom you could relate -- fully relate.
He too was attracted to other men.
Your prayer "God, what do I do? Help me. I don't know what to say. I don't know what to do." is exactly what all of us are called to do when facing any situation. Jehoshaphat said it this way,
"We don't know what to do
but our eyes are on You."
2 Chron 20:12
So, may I gently request a different line of self-examination?
Instead of pondering . . .
"How awful of me? How could I have just sat there when I knew exactly what this person was going through and was brave enough to share with me, but completely lie about it as they felt the pain and neglect once more?"
. . . could you consider this: "Lord, what do You want me to do with this confession? How can I encourage and strengthen my friend in his brokenness? How can I confess in a similar fashion? What do you want to do with this area of weakness for Your glory, O precious Christ?"
Your going to Scripture was right. It is always the right thing to do to mine the fields of the Word in search of what the Lord says about a particular topic. However, going with a specific human agenda ("to cure oneself or others of homosexual lust," for example) hinders the work of the Holy Spirit. It is not homosexual passion or same-sex attraction that is the issue; the issue at hand is . . . does your passion for the Lord outshine or outperform your all-consuming fleshly passions?
In that, same-sex attraction is indeed a blessing because it points you to your need of and for Christ.
And of course, the lies caught up with you -- guilt, shame, hurt, half-truths, self-righteousness, hiding behind a heterosexual relationship, more cover-up . . . while "still struggling every single day" with hard-to-take facts:
You still struggled.
You still had the unwanted "it."
You still had the desire to act on it.
You still had an aching heart.
You still longed to give in.
And he knew it.
And you knew it.
And the Father knew it.
And you gave in.
Your hungry eyes and heart hinted at the idea of something more happening . . . you allowed yourself to be enticed by his pursuit . . . you allowed your feet to be ensnared . . . you were led to straddle the fence between right and wrong . . .
But God was there, dear one.
Even in the midst of "giving in," your name was still engraved in the palm of His hand.
He knew what you were doing . . . do you know what He is doing to fulfill your greatest need?
As your story unfurls, I cannot wait to see what the Man of glory writes on our hearts through the pen of your grace-filled life. I love you, dear son!
I am savoring the sweet smell of serendipity. Keep moving towards the light, you two!
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