Not Fair?

Dear son in the Spirit,

I read what you deem the beginning of your story.

Wow.
Gripping.
Riveting.
Powerful.

Thank you for writing from your heart -- the place of joy and sorrow, laughter and tears, doubt and faith. Your heart is the place that truly matters because the burgeoning of your authentic life is there. So, writing from such a vibrant place is cathartic, cleansing, releasing, liberating, emotional, and intense. And this is experienced not just by you but by all of us who are reading your story.

Your initial questions and thoughts . . .

     -  Why is this happening to me? 

     -  Why won't God take it away?

     -  What is the point of this?
     -  No one else has it!

                                                       . . . are not all that uncommon. Although your 'this' or 'it' may be different from what another is undergoing, rest assured that every time anyone faces an unwanted situation or struggle, these questions emerge with a demanding, insistent, and even despairing spirit.

Having been there, I remember seeing my 'this' or 'it' as a thorn in my flesh. Like you, I wanted it removed from my heart so that I could resume being my proud, conceited self.

I remember asking why.
I remember screaming why.
I remember pounding my 'whys' and 'why mes' and 'why nows' in the air.

Not fair.
Not fair?

Same-sex attraction has this dubious, almost leprous stigma in the church. More people are affected by it than the church allows herself to know because it is often seen as the worst sin, the unpardonable sin. For someone to come forward and admit these feelings is extremely hard because it often feels like a request for excommunication or expulsion.

Perhaps, you asked your whys because people did talk about it around you in derogatory and dismissive terms. Perhaps, even as a sixth or seventh grader, you could already tell it was not regarded as kosher to tell others about what was brewing in the deepest recesses of your being -- especially where homosexual feelings were concerned.

It would then make sense for you to let God know how unfair it was for you to be same-sex attracted.

Why did God allow it?
Well, why wouldn't He allow it?
Why would this boy or that man be affected by it and not you?

Had you simply had a "normal" life -- homework, basketball, friends, church camp and no urges for something else that you thought was wrong -- you would not have been led to write this blog today. Had you not experienced the hypnotic pull of desires that contradict God's plan, your heart would have a hard time taking in the fullness of joy found in passion for Christ. Had you not relished the sweet foretaste of your sin, you would not know the gall of sin's aftertaste. Had you not wept over your giving in, you simply could not grasp the choice you have to resist temptation to the point of shedding blood (the blood of Christ shed on your behalf).

O, dear Sammy, reading about pornography always brings tears to my eyes -- always. Your "it drove my world and had me at its control" statement is such a clear rendering of all sin, any sin. O that you and your readers, all of us, could see the freedom that Christ offers.

The boa-like constriction of same-sex attraction around your entire being (emotions, actions, thoughts, words, everything), the "drowning in the sin that Satan had [you] locked in" statement, the perennial desire to feast on your fleshly desires, they all point to the concept God revealed to you: 

Confusion.

You were fed lies; God feeds you truth.

Don't tell anyone and it won't be real.
"Confess your sins; He has already forgiven you."
Don't get caught.
"Go and sin no more."
God does love me, but this isn't fair.
"My grace is sufficient for you for my power is made perfect in weakness."
Lead worship and maybe I'll change.
"Be transformed by the renewing of your mind."
Go to church more and He will help me.
"Do not let your heart be troubled, Trust in God; trust also in me."
Just do what you want, no one knows anyway.
"You are not your own; the Father sees what you do in secret."

Confusion led you to pretend to be interested in things that would help hide your same-sex attraction. Now, the clarity of God is showing you that Christ's righteousness is your only hiding place. Confusion led you to believe that if you tried hard enough, you could save yourself. Now the clarity of God reveals to you that it is by grace you are saved through faith in Christ alone. 

When none of your trying fixed the issue, confusion led you to doubt your salvation and God's agape love and whether or not God was even listening. 

And you "felt abandoned and alone and ashamed."

That statement right there may sting those closest to you, though they were completely unaware of what you were going through back then. Some close relatives and/or friends may feel hurt that they were there and yet did not, could not provide the help you needed. They may be mourning the loss of something truly important -- the opportunity to have supplied your need for intimacy and comfort.

In your sharing, please know that hurt is inevitable. For all the hundreds of people in your sphere of influence who agree with your views on homosexuality, there will be hundreds more who will disagree. Some agreements will be expressed publicly or privately; oppositions likewise will be expressed. Remember that hurt will affect us all in this process -- confession is a messy business.

Yet, the promise of the Lord still stands. He will comfort you. He will bind your wounds. He will heal your hurts. Like you said, "He is forever faithful and constant. He will never leave or forsake us. His love never fails us. He makes all things work together for the goodness of our lives."

I am so grateful you decided to no longer sit in your sinful stench, loathing your life. Through the ups and downs of your walk with Christ, remember that He is the I AM.

I am so grateful to have met you.
Do keep writing.