Eternal Hunger

Sammy,

O, precious son in the Spirit,

Every single time I read a portion of your story, my heart is touched anew in a way that I am unable to explain or express. Your honest vulnerability quickens me to pray and sigh and ponder and weep over, not only you, but over thousands upon thousands of God's children burdened with care of similar depth and breadth. 

As you know, I commit to praying for you, over you, and with you as we walk through this cross-centered journey together. As I respond, may the Holy Spirit infuse me with His oil of healing and wisdom so that the words that come out of my heart and pen will be His own and not mine. May you find even more reasons to run decidedly and gratefully to the Cross -- the only place where the Father's grace reveals to you that . . .

You are loved.
You are accepted.
You are cherished.
You are securely held.
You are known yet embraced.

In you the holy Father is well pleased . . .

at your worst
at your best
regardless of your past
regardless of your present

                                                            . . . not because of you but owing to the once-and-for-all loving and purifying sacrifice of Christ at Calvary.

Now THAT -- the Father's loving acceptance and gracious support of you -- is the eternal hunger that has always resided within your breast even when you could not recognize it . . . and even when you brushed it aside in deference to earthly or, to use your word, "temporary" cravings.

Temporary.

Indeed, temporary, fleeting, and groundless is the single-minded pursuit of anything or anyone other than Christ -- Christ alone rules above all. In Him alone can be found hope, joy, peace, meaning, fulfillment, and . . . most assuredly, love.

You are right.
We all desire love.
We all yearn for a visceral "it" -- to be loved, pursued, desired, cherished, embraced.

But somehow that very "it" appeared to be missing in your then heart, as understood by your questions and rationalizations:

"Where are you, God?

Why won't You answer me?

Show me something different this time; I'm tired of the same answer.

I AM trying to go to church, read my bible, pray… I'm just too busy. 

This isn't a distraction, I promise. 

I still love You!"

You tried to pray away your same-sex attraction.
Nothing.
You tried to muscle through your convictions.
Nothing.
You tried and tried and tried and tried and tried.
Nothing.

Then all of a sudden this visceral "it" was being seemingly fed by a special someone, and your head was spinning, and your heart was palpitating, and your palms were sweating. I completely understand, from a human perspective, how you felt the need to give God a hand at that point -- Jesus didn't seem to be quite enough to fulfill you. Christ's pursuit of you did not seem quite as palpable and euphoric as this young man's presence in your life.

Looking back, the above thoughts still cause you pain. All the same, please let me thank you for sharing them with us so openly and generously. Your exposed reminiscing reveals to us that we are all in the same boat. We have all been there. We have all waded in the sea of human confusion between indulging our preferences (sexual or otherwise) and bowing to priorities found in the Holy Word.

The real confusion all of us face is not that God is nowhere to be found, not that God does not take time to answer us, but that we grow easily tired of and opposed to God's answer (whatever the case may be) unless His response is exactly what our itchy ears want to hear (at any given time). The wavering of our commitment to God does not begin with our missing church, failing to read Scripture, avoiding prayer, or being too busy; rather, the waning of our commitment begins when we rationalize that it is no big deal to straddle the fence between pursuing Christ and pursuing something/someone else.

In your case and at that point in your life, your heart concluded that "maybe, just maybe [giving in at long last to this hoped-for homosexual romance]" would lead you to savor the juicy fruit that could ultimately satisfy your fierce hunger. You found release and were "finally happy . . . ;" you "had never felt more desired, more wanted, more adored." After all the waiting and wanting and wishing, you ultimately had "what every human being wanted." You were granted what you had always wanted. You had the "it" and the "it" became the condition or the source of your happiness . . .

. . . in secret. The fear of losing family and friends kept the relationship under wraps. The "temporary" satisfaction of "having each other" made it easier to be secretive about it, causing you to reason you didn't need approval. "Everything was perfect and finally falling into place" in secrecy, causing you to wonder why you would expose it to the light of day so soon and ruin it all?

Such secrets were weapons used against you, my son.

     -  wielding power over your convictions from the Holy Spirit
     -  rendering fruitless your attempts to pray or to read your Bible
     -  leading you to place an idol on the seat rightfully reserved for Christ
     -  duping you into forfeiting loving grace available to you at the hour of temptation

God's precious truths to you now are weapons used to overcome past deceit.

His grace is the salve that is healing your heart so heavily bruised by the memories flooding your mind. His mercy is the gentle hand that is wiping away your remorseful tears over your pushing Christ away and convincing yourself that you were "still doing His will and being obedient, that you were successful "in pursuing your desires and still walking in your faith." His compassionate faithfulness is the tender voice that is wooing you to give your problems and struggles to the Father "so that He can use them in such a mighty and righteous way."

And what is this mighty and righteous way?

Despite its marvelous, multi-faceted, and mysterious nature, this mighty and righteous way is no walk in the park -- it is not an easy road. It is a path full of questions and hardships yet one filled with untold blessings that only glorious grace will reveal to you in God's time.

Some of the questions in your mind might be: Am I doing the right thing in sharing all of this? Am I being sensitive to others whose biblical stance on homosexuality is different from mine? Am I being a light to LGBTQ individuals who want nothing to do with Christ? What about those Christians who will ignore me completely upon reading my posts? What do you want me to share, God? How can my story reflect your love to a world where lovelessness goes ever more rampant?

And some of the hardships you may be facing now or in the future could be: the loss of some important relationships, the loss of esteem in the eyes of the world, insults and accusations and threats and persecutions from individuals who feel betrayed or judged by your current understanding of Scripture, and many more to be revealed later.

I do know, however, that the gentle Healer is addressing your wounds and hardships, especially this one you voiced in such a gut-wrenching manner: 

"It's hard to admit to someone you've cared for, to yourself, and to the Father that something you've spent so much time investing in was all something that was wrong." 

This must be so so hard, dear one. It must feel as though you had to rip your own heart out of your chest. It must feel as though you had to stab a part of yourself. And I have to think of the one to whom you became so attracted and attached. I am sure that he, too, must have endured unspeakable pain to hear the voice he had come to cherish say no -- to see you erect a huge stop sign to the relationship must have hurt. It must have pained you immensely to come to this crossroads: Should you temporarily hurt yourself and the one whom your flesh craved or grieve the One whose flesh was mutilated on the cross on your behalf? 

Sammy, please know that suffering is God's perfect vehicle to drive you and those He has placed on your path to a place of blissful intimacy with the Father, the One whose holy wrath crushed His Son on the cursed tree so that your eternal hunger for God might be fed and satisfied. To quench your thirst and  feed your hunger, Jesus offered Himself to be ridiculed, despised, flogged, rejected, pierced, nailed, and slaughtered. Remember how it pierced Mary's heart to watch her beloved firstborn die. Likewise, know that the Father is suffering with you and will use your own pain to bring comfort, hope, peace, joy, and love to you and to others. 

Know as well that you need not stop caring in the Spirit for the person in that past relationship. Pray that the Lord will continue to foster in you a new heart and a new spirit of love and grace towards him. Pray genuine prayers of continued holistic wellness and blessings on his behalf. 

Pray on behalf of other LGBTQ individuals who have suffered incredibly much through insults and injustices from misinformed people (Christians and non-Christians alike). Pray for those who feel so isolated and rejected, misunderstood and unknown, confused and seeking truth. Pray that the Lord Himself will meet them at their point of deepest need.

Pray for non-believers in Christ. Pray that, as they observe you and the way your brothers and sisters in Christ respond to homosexuality, nothing will hinder the message of love and grace Christ intends for them. 

Pray for the Church. Pray that we will learn to humbly learn and listen (there is always room for growth and better understanding). Pray for a spirit of brokenness on our part that we may recognize what our role is -- to share gently and generously but to wait and trust that it is the Holy Spirit's prerogative to convince, convict, and change hearts. He has done that for you and will continue to transform you into the likeness of Christ. Let us trust that He is transforming others in His way, in His time, for His glory.

The Change

Being loved is one of the most desirable things--we hunger for it as human beings. Everyone wants to be loved. I was loved. I AM loved. My family loves me. My friends love me. My God loves me.

But sometimes we seek love the way we desire it. We find the most rejuvenating secular feeling that camouflages itself as love and we latch onto it. Of course, I am talking to myself here. As a Christian, it is hard to fight the battle of worldly love and biblical love. So many arguments arise, so many different views are exchanged; one after the other after the other. Christ gives us a clear example of how to love one another, how to love in a relationship, how to love ourselves and how to love Him. But too often, we stray from this understanding, as believers, to seek out our own understanding of love. Sure, it can hold nearly all the aspects of what someone would long for when searching for it oneself, but it is only temporary. Only temporary. 

Where are you, God?

Why won't You answer me?

Show me something different this time; I'm tired of the same answer.

I AM trying to go to church, read my bible, pray… I'm just too busy. 

This isn't a distraction, I promise. 

I still love You!

Far too often I would ponder these thoughts. I didn't think I was too distracted, I just… enjoyed my life more finally? I mean, for years I fought this confusion of why I struggled with this sin, but then, finally…

I thought I'd found a solution. I thought that maybe, just maybe, this wasn't wrong after all. I was happy. Finally happy…

Soon after dropping my hints of pursuit, they were quickly caught and taken into action. I had never felt more desired, more wanted, more…adored, honestly. It was what every human being wanted. And I had it.

Within little over a month's time, I was officially and secretly in a homosexual relationship. Something I never thought would actually happen, but did. In the past, I had only blurry thoughts of the "what ifs" with such a circumstance. But there I was, senior year of high school, obtaining what I thought was the completion to my utmost humanly desire. I had it all. 

It was hard to be reserved; I wanted to let everyone know how happy I was and how it was possible to pursue both styles of life: Christianity and homosexuality. Although, I never thought of myself as "gay," but rather, being with the one that I loved. It was just an easier way for me to cope with the stereotype, honestly. But I couldn't tell anyone, or at least not everyone. Some people knew--my best friend, and a few of his closest friends. But that was it. It had to remain a secret. Our families weren't ready to hear. Our friends might distance themselves. We couldn't expose it just yet; when the right time came, we would do it. But honestly, we weren't too worried about that. We had each other. We were happy. We didn't need approval. Approval had always let us down in the past, why would we seek it out? No, everything was perfect and finally falling into place. 

***

It hurts my heart to write such things as above. Yes, I know I have been redeemed and forgiven and the Lord is working, but to even remember, especially so intensely and like it were just yesterday, the thoughts pain me. Not because I regret my past--the Lord says to praise Him in all of our storms and to be thankful--but because of the memories that flood my mind. To know that I pushed Him away and convinced myself that I was still doing His will and being obedient, that I actually thought I was successful in pursuing my desires and still walking in my faith…tears fill my eyes. We all sometimes wish we could change something from our past. Well, I don't wish that. I've learned to be thankful in all things (which I am still learning by the way) and to give my problems and struggles over to my Father so that He can use them in such a mightier and righteous way. It's hard to admit to someone you've cared for, to yourself, and to the Father that something you've spent so much time investing in was all something that was wrong. No one wants to be told that they're wrong, especially when they don't agree with the reasons behind the matter. But a lot of what I've learned this week is this: Christianity isn't easy. It is not a wide road. It is full of hardship and suffering. But Christ strengthens us when we are obedient to Him and trust the Holy Spirit. He can use anything to bring glory to His Name. 

I'm choosing to stand firm. My God has a greater and higher plan than my own understanding.

***

As I grew deeper in this intimate relationship, my convictions from the Holy Spirit grew numb. I still tried to pray, to even read my bible, but I always had the same outcome. Nothing. I had pushed Christ away and convinced myself that it was okay to engage in this relationship. The problem is, if we put anything before Christ, we are wrong. Not just because someone is in a homosexual relationship, or because they have sex with their girlfriend, or because they steal, or lie, or cheat, or lust, or commit adultery, but because Jesus Christ is not the center of their life. We cannot put anything before Him. When we align ourselves with Christ and His Word, we learn that our happiness is not dependent upon our own fleshly desires but upon His unconditional love.

Months went by. Summer came and left quicker than ever but slower than I could have imagined. It was so tragically eventful that I almost gave up on everything. There were days that I was my happiest, and then days that I wanted to be gone from this world forever. I kept trying to convince myself, You're happy, Sam. You've finally got what you've wanted! Soon enough, you'll see. Just give it time and everything will work out. 
But it seemed liked everything kept getting worse. And in all reality, it did. 

Your Deepest Need

Sammy,

I give thanks to my Lord for the kindnesses He continues to lavish upon you, upon me, upon us as father and son in the Spirit of the living God, and upon all of God's children. The Father's Day weekend afforded me some good breathing space to pray, think, and consider my words in response to your Giving In post. 

Let me begin by telling you how much the Lord is using you to bless untold numbers of individuals. Only in heaven may you catch a glimpse of all the lives that have been touched, that will be blessed, that are being transformed as a result of your Spirit-led obedience to share your story with vulnerability, honesty, and transparency. I find myself in a truly privileged position to watch and observe firsthand the beautiful offering you are sending God-ward:

a broken and contrite heart
a humble and penitent spirit
a lowly and repentant heart

"The sacrifice You desire is a broken spirit.

You will not reject a broken and repentant heart, 

O God."

Psalm 51:17, NLT

Indeed, your confession is fresh out of the oven -- warm, aromatic, and utterly pleasing to the Lord. Keep it that way. Let the Lord guide you in the process because it is for His glory anyway.

To you, however, it feels hard.
Of course, it does.

Would you ask dough how it feels in the elevated temperature of an oven before it turns to bread? No wonder this endeavor feels to you like "one of the hardest journeys to think about, write about, vulnerably share and confess; to be fully transparent in what [you've] encountered." So, my dear son, remember your identity as dough in the hands of the Master Baker who alone can knead you, let you rise, and bake you into the likeness of Christ.

As I received and read your confession, a vivid portrait was drawn before my eyes:

Senior Year.
Long, haunting, hurtful, tiresome road.
Friendships. Academics. Athletics. Goals.
Opportunities for pride to germinate and grow.
Human recognition. Feeling known. Being noticed. 
Self-righteousness. Heterosexual relationship. Exceptional talent.
A net worth of earthly riches -- attention, praise, importance, popularity.

"Who could ask for anything more?" 

Apparently, both you and God asked for something more, something other than your catalog of "goods" could provide -- humility. This is a lesson that every single one of us needs to learn: Humility frees us up to act need.

We need God.

We need Him to fulfill us.
We need Him to align us.
We need Him to satisfy us.
We need Him to guide us.
We need Him to embrace us.

And until we humble ourselves in the sight of the Lord, "opportunities" will arise in the form of hardships, temptations, trials, and enticements to get us on our knees begging for . . .

more of the Son
more of the Father
more of the Holy Spirit

So, senioritis (mindful fruitlessness) and self-focus (misplaced energy) were two "opportunities" that drew you to let your guard down and welcome a tantalizing option -- a conversation with someone you'd barely known. 

"O be careful little ears what you hear . . .

O be careful little eyes what you see . . .

O be careful little lips what you say . . .

O be careful little fingers what you [text]"

As a result of not really paying attention, your seemingly innocent talking and texting "just about anything and everything" gradually and effectively drew you two closer and closer to each other. Though you had not yet met in person, a deep level of intimacy was developed easily leading you to think of the two of you as "best friends." 

Clearly, those "opportunities" led you to acknowledge a deep need -- you wanted the deepest recesses of your heart to be known and received. In that, you are just like me, just like any other human being. We all desire our truest selves to come out, to be exposed, to be utterly free and unveiled. And so, when another "opportunity" arose, when an alluring offer materialized, when an appetizing bait was dangled before your hungry eyes, temptation caught you unawares . . .

a secret
a deep secret
a shared secret

"What is one secret that no one would want to share unless someone else had the same secret… ?"

Well, it could have been any secret. But you already knew same-sex attraction was the one in question. You already knew because, even though it had not yet been discussed per se, for days and weeks both of your hearts were increasingly getting exposed to a deep level of shared acceptance -- something for which you both craved most passionately. You already knew because no one else had ever paused long enough to notice the hunger that daily left you more and more famished for deep intimacy.

If there is one thing your story has unearthed in me, it is this: 

The Church is called to SEE.

We are called to let the Holy Spirit open our eyes to see, really see, the hunger that has lodged itself within people. Same-sex attracted individuals, people attracted to the opposite sex, young people, old people, the foreigner, the obese girl, all of us are hungry for intimacy.

So going back to your story, dearest Sammy, I want you to know I understand the emotions you described. You were shaking because you have NEVER up to that point met anyone to whom you could say,

"Um . . . you too?"

And there he was. 
On the other end of the line, there was someone to whom you could relate -- fully relate.
He too was attracted to other men.

Your prayer "God, what do I do? Help me. I don't know what to say. I don't know what to do." is exactly what all of us are called to do when facing any situation. Jehoshaphat said it this way,

"We don't know what to do

but our eyes are on You."

2 Chron 20:12

Although you did not keep your eyes on Him after your prayer, please give glory to God because He heard your prayer -- you are now living the result of that prayer of yore. He is showing you what to do now and boy are we grateful for His gracious hand in guiding you. Though you lied at first, Jesus is now guiding you to tell the truth. Though you denied your homosexual leaning at first, the Holy Spirit is graciously prompting you to unveil it for His higher purposes. 

So, may I gently request a different line of self-examination?

Instead of pondering . . . 

"How awful of me? How could I have just sat there when I knew exactly what this person was going through and was brave enough to share with me, but completely lie about it as they felt the pain and neglect once more?"

                                  . . . could you consider this: "Lord, what do You want me to do with this confession? How can I encourage and strengthen my friend in his brokenness? How can I confess in a similar fashion? What do you want to do with this area of weakness for Your glory, O precious Christ?" 

Your going to Scripture was right. It is always the right thing to do to mine the fields of the Word in search of what the Lord says about a particular topic. However, going with a specific human agenda ("to cure oneself or others of homosexual lust," for example) hinders the work of the Holy Spirit. It is not homosexual passion or same-sex attraction that is the issue; the issue at hand is . . . does your passion for the Lord outshine or outperform your all-consuming fleshly passions?

In that, same-sex attraction is indeed a blessing because it points you to your need of and for Christ. 

And of course, the lies caught up with you -- guilt, shame, hurt, half-truths, self-righteousness, hiding behind a heterosexual relationship, more cover-up . . . while "still struggling every single day" with hard-to-take facts:

You still struggled.
You still had the unwanted "it."
You still had the desire to act on it.
You still had an aching heart.
You still longed to give in.

And he knew it.
And you knew it.
And the Father knew it.

And you gave in. 
Your hungry eyes and heart hinted at the idea of something more happening . . . you allowed yourself to be enticed by his pursuit . . . you allowed your feet to be ensnared . . . you were led to straddle the fence between right and wrong . . .

But God was there, dear one.
Even in the midst of "giving in," your name was still engraved in the palm of His hand.
He knew what you were doing . . . do you know what He is doing to fulfill your greatest need?

As your story unfurls, I cannot wait to see what the Man of glory writes on our hearts through the pen of your grace-filled life. I love you, dear son! 

Giving In

As I have prepared this specific post over the past couple of days, I have constantly been asking my beloved father in the Spirit, Louima Lilite, and many others, to pray. This is one of the hardest journeys to think about, write about, vulnerably share and confess; to be fully transparent in what I've encountered. But the Holy Spirit is faithful and leads us in the way of righteousness.

Father, direct my words. 

Let me not share what is easy to share,

but instead, what is needed. 

You've been faithful thus far and I trust You to continue.

May my words reflect Your holiness,

Your righteousness,

Your never-ending love,

Your grateful Spirit,

Your forgiveness.

Lord, allow me to share my heart,

fully open for all to see.

With a mind and heart fixed on You, Father, 

may I share truth. 

Amen

My senior year of high school marks the beginning of a long, haunting, hurtful and tiresome road. I remember every little detail, regardless of how important the situation or encounter was. Because I was engaging in something I had never obtained, my memory held great value of every occurrence.

While I was entering my senior year in the fall of 2010, I was expectant and full of anticipation. I was ready. I was ready for basketball. I was ready for FCA. I was ready for God to use me in such an impactful way at my high school. I was ready to be a leader. I was ready for friendships to strengthen and grow. I was ready to achieve my longing goals academically. I was ready.

Attending a small school was such an extraordinary thing--you feel so known and noticed by everyone. There are definitely pros and cons, but the small-town-atmosphere was exactly what I loved about my high school. The fist semester was almost exactly what I had anticipated. I enjoyed every minute of it. I felt important, like I was needed. I absorbed the attention whenever it was thrown my way. I felt like I somehow was part of the completion to whatever I was involved in.
But there is a feeling that one gets when one thinks he is authoritative and important, in control and powerful, better than others…

It's called pride. 

Even when our hearts feel like we are doing the right thing, we can still be prideful. Boasting in anything other than Christ is a sin. This was something I had myself convinced I was NOT doing.
I had my life back on track.
I was in a promising relationship with an amazing Christian girl.
I was leading bible studies.
I led worship every Sunday.
I even did my own quiet time.
I was talented and showcasing my talent at school and church for God.
I. . .
I. . .
I. . .

Everything was about me. Even when I thought I was doing it for Christ, it resulted in increasing my self-worth. I needed humility. 
God can speak through any situation, any circumstance. He can allow us to go through hardship for any amount of time until we finally realize we need Him.
We can't do it on our own.
I couldn't do it on my own.
I still cannot do it on my own.

The year was halfway over. Spring semester was approaching and I was beginning to catch something called senioritis. It was setting in hard -- my motivation for school and just about everything else was dying away.

Then suddenly I was rejuvenated with energy. I was more alert and focused. I was full of anticipation and excitement. But this was not because God suddenly filled me with stamina…
It was because I finally got what I wanted.

Over Christmas break, on New Year's Eve, I engaged in a conversation with someone I'd barely known, and honestly was not very fond of to begin with. We talked and talked and talked. Eventually, we became very close friends in a matter of weeks. We were texting every single day and talking on the phone just about anything and everything. We were best friends. We hadn't even met in person yet and I felt like we knew each other better than I had known half of my closest friends.

One typical night we were simply having casual conversation via texting. The next thing I knew we were in deep conversation telling some of our deepest secrets. I had never shared my struggle with anyone, and I wasn't about to do that on this night. I simply said, "Oh you know me, I'm an open book man." I received a simple response that read something like, "Well, I have a secret. But I wasn't going to tell you unless you had the same one." In all honesty, I was completely lost. My mind didn't go straight to what I should have known it meant. But instead, I pushed further and further to know more about this secret. It went on for hours -- my constantly sarcastic, nonchalant and "not-a-big-deal" statements that I threw around to try and discover whatever it might have been.

Then I put it all together.

What is one secret that no one would want to share unless someone else had the same secret… ?

The emotions I had were so counterclockwise that I was literally shaking and physically feeling sick. I'd never talked to or met anyone else who I knew had the same struggle as me. I remember sitting on the corner of my bed praying, God, what do I do? Help me. I don't know what to say. I don't know what to do.

The fist thing I did was lie. I said I was sorry and that we'd always be friends, and maybe God could help heal him from it. I said I didn't struggle with it.
Except all of those things were exactly what I feared someone would say to me. 
How awful of me? How could I have just sat there when I knew exactly what this person was going through and was brave enough to share with me, but completely lie about it as they felt the pain and neglect once more? I immediately started reading Scripture, trying to find the right verses to send to him. They were verses I'd read over and over:
1 Corinthians 6, 1 Timothy 1
There were so many places I would search in Scripture to try and find a reason or cure for this problem. But the thing is, it was not a problem.
It is a blessing.

The next couple of days were hard. We barely talked, and when we did, it didn't last. It wasn't enjoyable. It wasn't the same.
And I felt guilty.
Guilty of lying.
Guilty of shame.
Guilty of hurt.

When we finally talked about it again, I told what I like to call the "half-truth," which is basically just another lie. I said that I had struggled before, but I had really given it to God and asked Him to help me with it, and He had been faithful. I said I barely struggled with it anymore. I said God was blessing me with a heterosexual relationship that was helping me.

So many of those things were lies.
When I tried to "give it to God" I would just take it right back.
I still struggled. Every single day.
I was interested in someone, but that wasn't something she knew about me. I secretly hoped that the relationship would erase my fleshly desires.
It didn't.

Eventually, it all fell out in the open between us. He was such a smart person and knew that it wouldn't have simply "gone away."
He knew I still struggled.
He knew I still had the desire to act on it.
He knew my heart was aching.
He knew I wanted to give in.

Without saying quite yet, I gave in. I hinted at the idea of something more happening. I allowed myself to be enticed by the actions of pursuit. My mind was so jumbled with confusion and the obscure ideas of right and wrong. Is this still wrong? Did God allow this to happen? Is it His plan? Does this mean that it's not wrong? 

Questions I allowed myself to think, but not listen for the answers. Instead, I persisted on in the entanglement of my own flesh.

Not A Day Goes By

Dear Sammy,

Your cycle analogy reminds me of the 1993 American comedy Groundhog Day in which Phil Connors finds himself in a time loop—repeating the same day over and over . . . again and again . . . over and over . . . day after day . . .

You guessed it: Phil did not think that joke was funny. 

Who would?

In fact, who does?

No one, and I mean, not a soul wants to feel stuck in the same old routine. In fact, let me appeal to music to help me say what I am prompted to share with you, my dear son in the Spirit. My favorite Broadway composer (Stephen Sondheim) penned a few haunting words about a day that seems to never want to end:

"Not a day goes by

Not a single day

But you’re somehow a part of my life

And it looks like you’ll stay

As the day goes by

I keep thinking when does it end

Where’s the day I’ll have started forgetting

But I just go on thinking and sweating

And cursing and crying

And turning and reaching

And waking and dying

And no, not a day goes by

Not a blessed day

But you’re still somehow part of my life

And you won’t go away

So there’s hell to pay

And until I die

I’ll die day after day, after day, after day,

After day, after day, after day

Till the days go by"

Do the above lyrics mirror the constant recurring cycle of your high school career, I mean, life? Without going into the "you" of the song, I think you can appreciate the parallel. I can picture a conversation between you and same-sex attraction or between you and pornography. Something like,

"Are you kidding me? I thought I was done with you."
"Fooled ya, Sam. I'm here to stay."

Of course, you wanted out.
Take a look at your cycle below:

     -  cleaning up and trying to get back on track
     -  quickly giving in whenever temptation would strike
     -  cleaning up and trying to get back on track
     -  quickly giving in whenever temptation would strike
     -  cleaning up and trying t . . . . .
     -  quickly giving in w . . . . .

Yes.
I understand Phil.
I empathize with Sondheim.

And I get you, my dear son in the Spirit.

Your words have pricked my heart . . .

"The cycle continued . . . a grand mixture of fun and exciting adventures along with tragic, depressing and hurtful experiences . . . at times I felt "healed" and like I'd never struggled with same-sex attraction . . . the mountains would come crashing . . . wanting nothing more than to indulge in my seemingly satisfying desires . . . pornography . . . lust . . . anger . . . pain would increase . . . then the conviction would sink in . . . God would show His love . . . eventually it all just started over."

                                                       . . . and caused me to ponder something else you said:

"Everything would align in the normal way."

What do you mean by "normal," Sammy?
Might you be referring to having different feelings or believing different ideas?

There is a lie that the devil whispers to the ear of anyone who is struggling with one thing or another, "You will be better if you could be like everybody else." The truth is, Sammy, you'd only be trading your struggle for yet another struggle.

Let me invite you to be clear on one thing: You are normal, struggles and unwanted desires and all.

You were normal growing up.
You are normal now as you are processing all that you have gone through in your short life.
You will be normal as long as you are alive.

Normal is human.
Normal is seeing through physical eyes.
Normal is feeling the adrenaline rush that courses through your veins.

Normal is hiding, trying, struggling, hurting, dealing, blaming, pretending -- any one of these verbs would take its toll on the toughest football player you can find. And yet that is our daily plight as long as we are trapped in this tent we call a body.

We will keep struggling with things we don't want.
We will keep wrestling with feelings we don't prefer.

Hopefully, we will keep surrendering these unwanted feelings -- sans shame, without blame, but with gratitude -- to the One who loves us enough to use these same unwanted feelings for His higher purposes.

As you continue processing, rest assured that you are normal -- a sinner saved by grace. It is the grace of the Lord that will guide you through your fear, confusion, and doubt. It is also this lavish, irresistible grace that will eventually get you through your nightmarish cycle(s) . . . in His time.

Not a day goes by without your having access to this costly, precious grace.
Not a blessed day goes by without your being invited to crucify your unwanted desires.
Not a merciful day goes by without your Savior and Redeemer being enough to fill your void.

Till this recurring "Groundhog Day" goes by and makes way to the day of the Lord, the new day when you will experience your glorified body -- free from all fleshly entanglements -- in the presence of the King, let you and I walk together, my son, and die to the flesh!

The Cycle

Much of my high school career resulted in a constant reoccurring cycle. I would find myself cleaning up and trying to get back on track, but then quickly giving in whenever temptation would strike. I became so trained in hiding my emotion and struggle that almost no one could identify my hurting or pain. So why would anyone think something was wrong if I wasn't allowing myself to share? This was such a difficult idea for me. So many times I wished I could simply just tell someone. I knew ultimately that it might be freeing and it could help my loneliness in the battle, but I was much too afraid.

Fear.
The word had such a significant factor in my battle. Simply enough, one could understand that with any sin, fear would be a birthing contributor that would only grow stronger with each step into one's desire. I lived in fear.

But God provided me with a rope to cling to throughout my entire life, and I didn't even realize it until much recently in my college career.

This rope was a simple, child-like encounter when I was six years old. I used to be so afraid of walking down the hallway at night to go to my bedroom. Even though my brother and I shared a room, the long path to my destination was always a fearful one, sometimes leaving me in tears. I could not tell you why I was so afraid to walk down that hallway, but God uses what we deem as "little things" to teach us beautiful lessons. My mom was confident in helping make my journey fearless, so she provided me with a simple verse that was tacked to my door at the very end of the hall.

"For God did not give us the spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind." 2 Timothy 1:7

My mother told me to memorize this verse and say it as I walked down the hallway to reach my bedroom. At first, I was untrusting. How could simply saying a few words help protect me? Someone could still jump out and get me! But how amazing it is that God's Word is powerful enough to guide and direct our path! Of course, I didn't know that at the time, but He used this childhood memory of fear to greatly impact my entire walk with Him.

Thank you, Lord, for a loving, kind, compassionate, caring and patient mother who trusts You to protect and provide for her children. 

As often as I remembered this verse that was instilled in my mind, it was not always instilled in my heart. I would forget that God was not the one providing me with fear in this battle, but instead, He wanted to help me. O, how it pains me to look back and see how often God was there and I did not believe it. Throughout my entire high school career, trying to impress and put on my "I'm doing great" face, trying to shake my confusion, doubt, fear, humility; God was providing and preparing me through it all.

The cycle continued. High school was a grand mixture of fun and exciting adventures along with tragic, depressing and hurtful experiences. I was still trying to figure it all out. At times I felt "healed" and like I had never struggled with same-sex attraction. Then the mountains would come crashing and I would find myself wanting nothing more than to indulge in my seemingly satisfying desires. The pornography would take control again. The lust would deepen in my heart. The anger and pain would increase…
But then the conviction would sink in. The fight would become too hard to handle. God would show His love. Everything would align in the normal way.
Then eventually it all just started over.

I couldn't get out! This cycle was wearing me down and exhausting my relationship with the Lord. All the way through high school to my senior year I fought this up and downhill battle with confusion, doubt, and fear. I eventually just starting praying, God, please, just take it away. I can't do this much longer. I'll do anything you want me to. Anything. Please. Just take it…

But the cycle continued still, and my world was only beginning to be quaked.

Not Fair?

Dear son in the Spirit,

I read what you deem the beginning of your story.

Wow.
Gripping.
Riveting.
Powerful.

Thank you for writing from your heart -- the place of joy and sorrow, laughter and tears, doubt and faith. Your heart is the place that truly matters because the burgeoning of your authentic life is there. So, writing from such a vibrant place is cathartic, cleansing, releasing, liberating, emotional, and intense. And this is experienced not just by you but by all of us who are reading your story.

Your initial questions and thoughts . . .

     -  Why is this happening to me? 

     -  Why won't God take it away?

     -  What is the point of this?
     -  No one else has it!

                                                       . . . are not all that uncommon. Although your 'this' or 'it' may be different from what another is undergoing, rest assured that every time anyone faces an unwanted situation or struggle, these questions emerge with a demanding, insistent, and even despairing spirit.

Having been there, I remember seeing my 'this' or 'it' as a thorn in my flesh. Like you, I wanted it removed from my heart so that I could resume being my proud, conceited self.

I remember asking why.
I remember screaming why.
I remember pounding my 'whys' and 'why mes' and 'why nows' in the air.

Not fair.
Not fair?

Same-sex attraction has this dubious, almost leprous stigma in the church. More people are affected by it than the church allows herself to know because it is often seen as the worst sin, the unpardonable sin. For someone to come forward and admit these feelings is extremely hard because it often feels like a request for excommunication or expulsion.

Perhaps, you asked your whys because people did talk about it around you in derogatory and dismissive terms. Perhaps, even as a sixth or seventh grader, you could already tell it was not regarded as kosher to tell others about what was brewing in the deepest recesses of your being -- especially where homosexual feelings were concerned.

It would then make sense for you to let God know how unfair it was for you to be same-sex attracted.

Why did God allow it?
Well, why wouldn't He allow it?
Why would this boy or that man be affected by it and not you?

Had you simply had a "normal" life -- homework, basketball, friends, church camp and no urges for something else that you thought was wrong -- you would not have been led to write this blog today. Had you not experienced the hypnotic pull of desires that contradict God's plan, your heart would have a hard time taking in the fullness of joy found in passion for Christ. Had you not relished the sweet foretaste of your sin, you would not know the gall of sin's aftertaste. Had you not wept over your giving in, you simply could not grasp the choice you have to resist temptation to the point of shedding blood (the blood of Christ shed on your behalf).

O, dear Sammy, reading about pornography always brings tears to my eyes -- always. Your "it drove my world and had me at its control" statement is such a clear rendering of all sin, any sin. O that you and your readers, all of us, could see the freedom that Christ offers.

The boa-like constriction of same-sex attraction around your entire being (emotions, actions, thoughts, words, everything), the "drowning in the sin that Satan had [you] locked in" statement, the perennial desire to feast on your fleshly desires, they all point to the concept God revealed to you: 

Confusion.

You were fed lies; God feeds you truth.

Don't tell anyone and it won't be real.
"Confess your sins; He has already forgiven you."
Don't get caught.
"Go and sin no more."
God does love me, but this isn't fair.
"My grace is sufficient for you for my power is made perfect in weakness."
Lead worship and maybe I'll change.
"Be transformed by the renewing of your mind."
Go to church more and He will help me.
"Do not let your heart be troubled, Trust in God; trust also in me."
Just do what you want, no one knows anyway.
"You are not your own; the Father sees what you do in secret."

Confusion led you to pretend to be interested in things that would help hide your same-sex attraction. Now, the clarity of God is showing you that Christ's righteousness is your only hiding place. Confusion led you to believe that if you tried hard enough, you could save yourself. Now the clarity of God reveals to you that it is by grace you are saved through faith in Christ alone. 

When none of your trying fixed the issue, confusion led you to doubt your salvation and God's agape love and whether or not God was even listening. 

And you "felt abandoned and alone and ashamed."

That statement right there may sting those closest to you, though they were completely unaware of what you were going through back then. Some close relatives and/or friends may feel hurt that they were there and yet did not, could not provide the help you needed. They may be mourning the loss of something truly important -- the opportunity to have supplied your need for intimacy and comfort.

In your sharing, please know that hurt is inevitable. For all the hundreds of people in your sphere of influence who agree with your views on homosexuality, there will be hundreds more who will disagree. Some agreements will be expressed publicly or privately; oppositions likewise will be expressed. Remember that hurt will affect us all in this process -- confession is a messy business.

Yet, the promise of the Lord still stands. He will comfort you. He will bind your wounds. He will heal your hurts. Like you said, "He is forever faithful and constant. He will never leave or forsake us. His love never fails us. He makes all things work together for the goodness of our lives."

I am so grateful you decided to no longer sit in your sinful stench, loathing your life. Through the ups and downs of your walk with Christ, remember that He is the I AM.

I am so grateful to have met you.
Do keep writing.

Just Beginning

Why is this happening to me? 

Why won't God take it away?

What is the point of this?
No one else has it!

These were constant thoughts I argued with every single day after the moment I really grasped that I struggled with same-sex attraction. It wasn't fair. Why would a perfect and Holy God make me do something that He says is wrong, according to His Word? I didn't understand.

I continued on just like any other sixth grader at my school. I worked on my homework, I played basketball, I hung out with my friends, I went to church camp -- I continued to act just like any other kid because I was a kid. But this feeling inside of me, it kept ripping at my thoughts, my desires, my urges for something else that I thought was wrong. 

By the time I was in the seventh grade, I had already allowed my mind to commit such evil desires that I physically felt unclean. My mind was constantly racing with images, confusion, wanting to know more about my fleshly desires, so I gave in. For the first time in my life, I laid my eyes upon pornography, and it quickly took over my being. 

I never thought that I would be addicted to something like pornography. It became such a common thing for me. When no one was home, when I went to bed, anytime I could have more, I took my opportunity. It drove my world and had me at its control. I knew that it was wrong, but I had no intention of running from my guilt. The satisfaction it supplied me with was greater, in my opinion, than the consequences I didn't see coming. 

For years this addiction played a significant role in my life. I fought with the battle of same-sex attraction every single day. Some days I was mentally and even physically exhausted from the fight I had going on in my mind and in my heart. It controlled my emotions, my actions, my thoughts and words, everything. I would wake up in the morning and crave the desires my flesh so longed for. The satisfaction I received from just the slightest taste of fulfilling my addiction was enough to keep me drowning in the state Satan had me locked in.

But God is a loving, merciful, gracious, all-powerful, forgiving Father.
In the midst of all my confusion, God still was at work. He allowed me to enrich myself in my fleshly desires and still loved me. He never forgot my name that was forever engraved in the palm of His hand. He loved me through it all. Through my addiction that carried on all the way through high school, God was patient. 

My struggle continued to look like this:
Don't tell anyone and it won't be real.
Don't get caught.
God does love me, but this isn't fair.
Lead worship and maybe I'll change.
Go to church more and He will help me.
Date the prettiest girls and it won't be visible. 
Do manlier things and it won't be questioned.
Listen to Christian radio.
Just do what you want, no one knows anyway.

I couldn't tell you how many things I pretended to be interested in just so I could hide my struggle. I was not going to be found out. Somehow, I would fix this. I would pray more. I would go to church more. I would read my bible more. I would stop looking at pornography. I would date a great Christian girl. I'd do anything to make this struggle go away.

But none of it worked.
I just couldn't figure out why. Why did it seem like I could do about everything right and this still had a grip on me? For about five whole years my struggle significantly implored doubt into my salvation.
Do I honestly have a relationship with Him?
Maybe I'm not saved….should I pray for salvation again?
What if I'm not really asking for forgiveness?
How can I be more genuine?
Am I really praying to God?
Is He even listening?

Constantly, these questions were flowing through my mind and making me doubt the love God had for me. Keeping my struggle in the dark was only leading me down a path for destruction.

My life could be summed up in one simple word:

Confusion.

I felt abandoned and alone. In everything else I had someone, except this. This was the only battle I could not surface. I just couldn't. I didn't want to. I was ashamed.

The promise in this is that confusion is not of the Lord. He is forever faithful and constant. He will never leave or forsake us. His love never fails us. He makes all things work together for the goodness of our lives. God had a plan through all of these years while I was trying to figure out my life on my own.

Still, I sat in my sinful stench and loathed my life.

Given Much

Dear Sammy,

What a cliffhanger!
I can hardly wait to read the rest.

Thank you, dear son in the Spirit.

Thank you for inviting me to contribute to your blog. Thank you for coming into my life and for allowing God to use you to teach me so very much. Thank you for the incredible gifts you have offered to your hundreds of readers -- openness, clarity, honesty, vulnerability. Thank you for seeking to align your mind and heart with the truth that resides in Christ.

Thank you for seeking to encourage hearts through your story and struggle. Thank you for praying that your story might "impact an audience that is in need of Christ's love and compassion."

You are right.
You are so right.

People need Christ -- His unfailing love and His great compassion. They need to sense His weeping over you as well as His rejoicing over you. They need to hear His gracious voice calling you out of the darkness and into the light of His face. They need to see how that 7-year old boy who met Jesus while attending "church, church camps, VBS, and all kinds of other events" has become this amazing man who has been given much for the cause of Christ.

Yes.
Given much.
You have been given much.

And "from everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked" (Lk 12:48).

You have been given much -- you like so many things, as you said so eloquently. The desires you have carried within are not yours to hoard but to release so that others may catch a whiff of Christ's fragrance in you.

So, remember that persecutions will come. There will be days you will wish that you could rescind your disclosure. There will be moments you will be tempted to hide.

Don't.
Stay the course.
Be strengthened and be not dismayed. The Lord your God is with you.

Others may be mad.
Others may be glad.
Others may be proud of you.
Yet others may be ashamed of you.

But I am well pleased in you, my son in the Spirit . . .
. . . because I, too, am learning that the Father is well pleased in His Son -- Jesus, the One who took away your sins and mine and that of all who believe in Him.