The Change

Being loved is one of the most desirable things--we hunger for it as human beings. Everyone wants to be loved. I was loved. I AM loved. My family loves me. My friends love me. My God loves me.

But sometimes we seek love the way we desire it. We find the most rejuvenating secular feeling that camouflages itself as love and we latch onto it. Of course, I am talking to myself here. As a Christian, it is hard to fight the battle of worldly love and biblical love. So many arguments arise, so many different views are exchanged; one after the other after the other. Christ gives us a clear example of how to love one another, how to love in a relationship, how to love ourselves and how to love Him. But too often, we stray from this understanding, as believers, to seek out our own understanding of love. Sure, it can hold nearly all the aspects of what someone would long for when searching for it oneself, but it is only temporary. Only temporary. 

Where are you, God?

Why won't You answer me?

Show me something different this time; I'm tired of the same answer.

I AM trying to go to church, read my bible, pray… I'm just too busy. 

This isn't a distraction, I promise. 

I still love You!

Far too often I would ponder these thoughts. I didn't think I was too distracted, I just… enjoyed my life more finally? I mean, for years I fought this confusion of why I struggled with this sin, but then, finally…

I thought I'd found a solution. I thought that maybe, just maybe, this wasn't wrong after all. I was happy. Finally happy…

Soon after dropping my hints of pursuit, they were quickly caught and taken into action. I had never felt more desired, more wanted, more…adored, honestly. It was what every human being wanted. And I had it.

Within little over a month's time, I was officially and secretly in a homosexual relationship. Something I never thought would actually happen, but did. In the past, I had only blurry thoughts of the "what ifs" with such a circumstance. But there I was, senior year of high school, obtaining what I thought was the completion to my utmost humanly desire. I had it all. 

It was hard to be reserved; I wanted to let everyone know how happy I was and how it was possible to pursue both styles of life: Christianity and homosexuality. Although, I never thought of myself as "gay," but rather, being with the one that I loved. It was just an easier way for me to cope with the stereotype, honestly. But I couldn't tell anyone, or at least not everyone. Some people knew--my best friend, and a few of his closest friends. But that was it. It had to remain a secret. Our families weren't ready to hear. Our friends might distance themselves. We couldn't expose it just yet; when the right time came, we would do it. But honestly, we weren't too worried about that. We had each other. We were happy. We didn't need approval. Approval had always let us down in the past, why would we seek it out? No, everything was perfect and finally falling into place. 

***

It hurts my heart to write such things as above. Yes, I know I have been redeemed and forgiven and the Lord is working, but to even remember, especially so intensely and like it were just yesterday, the thoughts pain me. Not because I regret my past--the Lord says to praise Him in all of our storms and to be thankful--but because of the memories that flood my mind. To know that I pushed Him away and convinced myself that I was still doing His will and being obedient, that I actually thought I was successful in pursuing my desires and still walking in my faith…tears fill my eyes. We all sometimes wish we could change something from our past. Well, I don't wish that. I've learned to be thankful in all things (which I am still learning by the way) and to give my problems and struggles over to my Father so that He can use them in such a mightier and righteous way. It's hard to admit to someone you've cared for, to yourself, and to the Father that something you've spent so much time investing in was all something that was wrong. No one wants to be told that they're wrong, especially when they don't agree with the reasons behind the matter. But a lot of what I've learned this week is this: Christianity isn't easy. It is not a wide road. It is full of hardship and suffering. But Christ strengthens us when we are obedient to Him and trust the Holy Spirit. He can use anything to bring glory to His Name. 

I'm choosing to stand firm. My God has a greater and higher plan than my own understanding.

***

As I grew deeper in this intimate relationship, my convictions from the Holy Spirit grew numb. I still tried to pray, to even read my bible, but I always had the same outcome. Nothing. I had pushed Christ away and convinced myself that it was okay to engage in this relationship. The problem is, if we put anything before Christ, we are wrong. Not just because someone is in a homosexual relationship, or because they have sex with their girlfriend, or because they steal, or lie, or cheat, or lust, or commit adultery, but because Jesus Christ is not the center of their life. We cannot put anything before Him. When we align ourselves with Christ and His Word, we learn that our happiness is not dependent upon our own fleshly desires but upon His unconditional love.

Months went by. Summer came and left quicker than ever but slower than I could have imagined. It was so tragically eventful that I almost gave up on everything. There were days that I was my happiest, and then days that I wanted to be gone from this world forever. I kept trying to convince myself, You're happy, Sam. You've finally got what you've wanted! Soon enough, you'll see. Just give it time and everything will work out. 
But it seemed liked everything kept getting worse. And in all reality, it did.