Not A Day Goes By

Dear Sammy,

Your cycle analogy reminds me of the 1993 American comedy Groundhog Day in which Phil Connors finds himself in a time loop—repeating the same day over and over . . . again and again . . . over and over . . . day after day . . .

You guessed it: Phil did not think that joke was funny. 

Who would?

In fact, who does?

No one, and I mean, not a soul wants to feel stuck in the same old routine. In fact, let me appeal to music to help me say what I am prompted to share with you, my dear son in the Spirit. My favorite Broadway composer (Stephen Sondheim) penned a few haunting words about a day that seems to never want to end:

"Not a day goes by

Not a single day

But you’re somehow a part of my life

And it looks like you’ll stay

As the day goes by

I keep thinking when does it end

Where’s the day I’ll have started forgetting

But I just go on thinking and sweating

And cursing and crying

And turning and reaching

And waking and dying

And no, not a day goes by

Not a blessed day

But you’re still somehow part of my life

And you won’t go away

So there’s hell to pay

And until I die

I’ll die day after day, after day, after day,

After day, after day, after day

Till the days go by"

Do the above lyrics mirror the constant recurring cycle of your high school career, I mean, life? Without going into the "you" of the song, I think you can appreciate the parallel. I can picture a conversation between you and same-sex attraction or between you and pornography. Something like,

"Are you kidding me? I thought I was done with you."
"Fooled ya, Sam. I'm here to stay."

Of course, you wanted out.
Take a look at your cycle below:

     -  cleaning up and trying to get back on track
     -  quickly giving in whenever temptation would strike
     -  cleaning up and trying to get back on track
     -  quickly giving in whenever temptation would strike
     -  cleaning up and trying t . . . . .
     -  quickly giving in w . . . . .

Yes.
I understand Phil.
I empathize with Sondheim.

And I get you, my dear son in the Spirit.

Your words have pricked my heart . . .

"The cycle continued . . . a grand mixture of fun and exciting adventures along with tragic, depressing and hurtful experiences . . . at times I felt "healed" and like I'd never struggled with same-sex attraction . . . the mountains would come crashing . . . wanting nothing more than to indulge in my seemingly satisfying desires . . . pornography . . . lust . . . anger . . . pain would increase . . . then the conviction would sink in . . . God would show His love . . . eventually it all just started over."

                                                       . . . and caused me to ponder something else you said:

"Everything would align in the normal way."

What do you mean by "normal," Sammy?
Might you be referring to having different feelings or believing different ideas?

There is a lie that the devil whispers to the ear of anyone who is struggling with one thing or another, "You will be better if you could be like everybody else." The truth is, Sammy, you'd only be trading your struggle for yet another struggle.

Let me invite you to be clear on one thing: You are normal, struggles and unwanted desires and all.

You were normal growing up.
You are normal now as you are processing all that you have gone through in your short life.
You will be normal as long as you are alive.

Normal is human.
Normal is seeing through physical eyes.
Normal is feeling the adrenaline rush that courses through your veins.

Normal is hiding, trying, struggling, hurting, dealing, blaming, pretending -- any one of these verbs would take its toll on the toughest football player you can find. And yet that is our daily plight as long as we are trapped in this tent we call a body.

We will keep struggling with things we don't want.
We will keep wrestling with feelings we don't prefer.

Hopefully, we will keep surrendering these unwanted feelings -- sans shame, without blame, but with gratitude -- to the One who loves us enough to use these same unwanted feelings for His higher purposes.

As you continue processing, rest assured that you are normal -- a sinner saved by grace. It is the grace of the Lord that will guide you through your fear, confusion, and doubt. It is also this lavish, irresistible grace that will eventually get you through your nightmarish cycle(s) . . . in His time.

Not a day goes by without your having access to this costly, precious grace.
Not a blessed day goes by without your being invited to crucify your unwanted desires.
Not a merciful day goes by without your Savior and Redeemer being enough to fill your void.

Till this recurring "Groundhog Day" goes by and makes way to the day of the Lord, the new day when you will experience your glorified body -- free from all fleshly entanglements -- in the presence of the King, let you and I walk together, my son, and die to the flesh!