The Cycle

Much of my high school career resulted in a constant reoccurring cycle. I would find myself cleaning up and trying to get back on track, but then quickly giving in whenever temptation would strike. I became so trained in hiding my emotion and struggle that almost no one could identify my hurting or pain. So why would anyone think something was wrong if I wasn't allowing myself to share? This was such a difficult idea for me. So many times I wished I could simply just tell someone. I knew ultimately that it might be freeing and it could help my loneliness in the battle, but I was much too afraid.

Fear.
The word had such a significant factor in my battle. Simply enough, one could understand that with any sin, fear would be a birthing contributor that would only grow stronger with each step into one's desire. I lived in fear.

But God provided me with a rope to cling to throughout my entire life, and I didn't even realize it until much recently in my college career.

This rope was a simple, child-like encounter when I was six years old. I used to be so afraid of walking down the hallway at night to go to my bedroom. Even though my brother and I shared a room, the long path to my destination was always a fearful one, sometimes leaving me in tears. I could not tell you why I was so afraid to walk down that hallway, but God uses what we deem as "little things" to teach us beautiful lessons. My mom was confident in helping make my journey fearless, so she provided me with a simple verse that was tacked to my door at the very end of the hall.

"For God did not give us the spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind." 2 Timothy 1:7

My mother told me to memorize this verse and say it as I walked down the hallway to reach my bedroom. At first, I was untrusting. How could simply saying a few words help protect me? Someone could still jump out and get me! But how amazing it is that God's Word is powerful enough to guide and direct our path! Of course, I didn't know that at the time, but He used this childhood memory of fear to greatly impact my entire walk with Him.

Thank you, Lord, for a loving, kind, compassionate, caring and patient mother who trusts You to protect and provide for her children. 

As often as I remembered this verse that was instilled in my mind, it was not always instilled in my heart. I would forget that God was not the one providing me with fear in this battle, but instead, He wanted to help me. O, how it pains me to look back and see how often God was there and I did not believe it. Throughout my entire high school career, trying to impress and put on my "I'm doing great" face, trying to shake my confusion, doubt, fear, humility; God was providing and preparing me through it all.

The cycle continued. High school was a grand mixture of fun and exciting adventures along with tragic, depressing and hurtful experiences. I was still trying to figure it all out. At times I felt "healed" and like I had never struggled with same-sex attraction. Then the mountains would come crashing and I would find myself wanting nothing more than to indulge in my seemingly satisfying desires. The pornography would take control again. The lust would deepen in my heart. The anger and pain would increase…
But then the conviction would sink in. The fight would become too hard to handle. God would show His love. Everything would align in the normal way.
Then eventually it all just started over.

I couldn't get out! This cycle was wearing me down and exhausting my relationship with the Lord. All the way through high school to my senior year I fought this up and downhill battle with confusion, doubt, and fear. I eventually just starting praying, God, please, just take it away. I can't do this much longer. I'll do anything you want me to. Anything. Please. Just take it…

But the cycle continued still, and my world was only beginning to be quaked.