O, precious son in the Spirit,
Every single time I read a portion of your story, my heart is touched anew in a way that I am unable to explain or express. Your honest vulnerability quickens me to pray and sigh and ponder and weep over, not only you, but over thousands upon thousands of God's children burdened with care of similar depth and breadth.
As you know, I commit to praying for you, over you, and with you as we walk through this cross-centered journey together. As I respond, may the Holy Spirit infuse me with His oil of healing and wisdom so that the words that come out of my heart and pen will be His own and not mine. May you find even more reasons to run decidedly and gratefully to the Cross -- the only place where the Father's grace reveals to you that . . .
You are loved.
You are accepted.
You are cherished.
You are securely held.
You are known yet embraced.
In you the holy Father is well pleased . . .
at your worst
at your best
regardless of your past
regardless of your present
. . . not because of you but owing to the once-and-for-all loving and purifying sacrifice of Christ at Calvary.
Now THAT -- the Father's loving acceptance and gracious support of you -- is the eternal hunger that has always resided within your breast even when you could not recognize it . . . and even when you brushed it aside in deference to earthly or, to use your word, "temporary" cravings.
Temporary.
Indeed, temporary, fleeting, and groundless is the single-minded pursuit of anything or anyone other than Christ -- Christ alone rules above all. In Him alone can be found hope, joy, peace, meaning, fulfillment, and . . . most assuredly, love.
You are right.
We all desire love.
We all yearn for a visceral "it" -- to be loved, pursued, desired, cherished, embraced.
But somehow that very "it" appeared to be missing in your then heart, as understood by your questions and rationalizations:
"Where are you, God?
Why won't You answer me?
Show me something different this time; I'm tired of the same answer.
I AM trying to go to church, read my bible, pray… I'm just too busy.
This isn't a distraction, I promise.
I still love You!"
You tried to pray away your same-sex attraction.
Nothing.
You tried to muscle through your convictions.
Nothing.
You tried and tried and tried and tried and tried.
Nothing.
Then all of a sudden this visceral "it" was being seemingly fed by a special someone, and your head was spinning, and your heart was palpitating, and your palms were sweating. I completely understand, from a human perspective, how you felt the need to give God a hand at that point -- Jesus didn't seem to be quite enough to fulfill you. Christ's pursuit of you did not seem quite as palpable and euphoric as this young man's presence in your life.
Looking back, the above thoughts still cause you pain. All the same, please let me thank you for sharing them with us so openly and generously. Your exposed reminiscing reveals to us that we are all in the same boat. We have all been there. We have all waded in the sea of human confusion between indulging our preferences (sexual or otherwise) and bowing to priorities found in the Holy Word.
The real confusion all of us face is not that God is nowhere to be found, not that God does not take time to answer us, but that we grow easily tired of and opposed to God's answer (whatever the case may be) unless His response is exactly what our itchy ears want to hear (at any given time). The wavering of our commitment to God does not begin with our missing church, failing to read Scripture, avoiding prayer, or being too busy; rather, the waning of our commitment begins when we rationalize that it is no big deal to straddle the fence between pursuing Christ and pursuing something/someone else.
In your case and at that point in your life, your heart concluded that "maybe, just maybe [giving in at long last to this hoped-for homosexual romance]" would lead you to savor the juicy fruit that could ultimately satisfy your fierce hunger. You found release and were "finally happy . . . ;" you "had never felt more desired, more wanted, more adored." After all the waiting and wanting and wishing, you ultimately had "what every human being wanted." You were granted what you had always wanted. You had the "it" and the "it" became the condition or the source of your happiness . . .
. . . in secret. The fear of losing family and friends kept the relationship under wraps. The "temporary" satisfaction of "having each other" made it easier to be secretive about it, causing you to reason you didn't need approval. "Everything was perfect and finally falling into place" in secrecy, causing you to wonder why you would expose it to the light of day so soon and ruin it all?
Such secrets were weapons used against you, my son.
- wielding power over your convictions from the Holy Spirit
- rendering fruitless your attempts to pray or to read your Bible
- leading you to place an idol on the seat rightfully reserved for Christ
- duping you into forfeiting loving grace available to you at the hour of temptation
God's precious truths to you now are weapons used to overcome past deceit.
His grace is the salve that is healing your heart so heavily bruised by the memories flooding your mind. His mercy is the gentle hand that is wiping away your remorseful tears over your pushing Christ away and convincing yourself that you were "still doing His will and being obedient, that you were successful "in pursuing your desires and still walking in your faith." His compassionate faithfulness is the tender voice that is wooing you to give your problems and struggles to the Father "so that He can use them in such a mighty and righteous way."
And what is this mighty and righteous way?
Despite its marvelous, multi-faceted, and mysterious nature, this mighty and righteous way is no walk in the park -- it is not an easy road. It is a path full of questions and hardships yet one filled with untold blessings that only glorious grace will reveal to you in God's time.
Some of the questions in your mind might be: Am I doing the right thing in sharing all of this? Am I being sensitive to others whose biblical stance on homosexuality is different from mine? Am I being a light to LGBTQ individuals who want nothing to do with Christ? What about those Christians who will ignore me completely upon reading my posts? What do you want me to share, God? How can my story reflect your love to a world where lovelessness goes ever more rampant?
And some of the hardships you may be facing now or in the future could be: the loss of some important relationships, the loss of esteem in the eyes of the world, insults and accusations and threats and persecutions from individuals who feel betrayed or judged by your current understanding of Scripture, and many more to be revealed later.
I do know, however, that the gentle Healer is addressing your wounds and hardships, especially this one you voiced in such a gut-wrenching manner:
"It's hard to admit to someone you've cared for, to yourself, and to the Father that something you've spent so much time investing in was all something that was wrong."
Nothing.
You tried to muscle through your convictions.
Nothing.
You tried and tried and tried and tried and tried.
Nothing.
Then all of a sudden this visceral "it" was being seemingly fed by a special someone, and your head was spinning, and your heart was palpitating, and your palms were sweating. I completely understand, from a human perspective, how you felt the need to give God a hand at that point -- Jesus didn't seem to be quite enough to fulfill you. Christ's pursuit of you did not seem quite as palpable and euphoric as this young man's presence in your life.
Looking back, the above thoughts still cause you pain. All the same, please let me thank you for sharing them with us so openly and generously. Your exposed reminiscing reveals to us that we are all in the same boat. We have all been there. We have all waded in the sea of human confusion between indulging our preferences (sexual or otherwise) and bowing to priorities found in the Holy Word.
The real confusion all of us face is not that God is nowhere to be found, not that God does not take time to answer us, but that we grow easily tired of and opposed to God's answer (whatever the case may be) unless His response is exactly what our itchy ears want to hear (at any given time). The wavering of our commitment to God does not begin with our missing church, failing to read Scripture, avoiding prayer, or being too busy; rather, the waning of our commitment begins when we rationalize that it is no big deal to straddle the fence between pursuing Christ and pursuing something/someone else.
In your case and at that point in your life, your heart concluded that "maybe, just maybe [giving in at long last to this hoped-for homosexual romance]" would lead you to savor the juicy fruit that could ultimately satisfy your fierce hunger. You found release and were "finally happy . . . ;" you "had never felt more desired, more wanted, more adored." After all the waiting and wanting and wishing, you ultimately had "what every human being wanted." You were granted what you had always wanted. You had the "it" and the "it" became the condition or the source of your happiness . . .
. . . in secret. The fear of losing family and friends kept the relationship under wraps. The "temporary" satisfaction of "having each other" made it easier to be secretive about it, causing you to reason you didn't need approval. "Everything was perfect and finally falling into place" in secrecy, causing you to wonder why you would expose it to the light of day so soon and ruin it all?
Such secrets were weapons used against you, my son.
- wielding power over your convictions from the Holy Spirit
- rendering fruitless your attempts to pray or to read your Bible
- leading you to place an idol on the seat rightfully reserved for Christ
- duping you into forfeiting loving grace available to you at the hour of temptation
God's precious truths to you now are weapons used to overcome past deceit.
His grace is the salve that is healing your heart so heavily bruised by the memories flooding your mind. His mercy is the gentle hand that is wiping away your remorseful tears over your pushing Christ away and convincing yourself that you were "still doing His will and being obedient, that you were successful "in pursuing your desires and still walking in your faith." His compassionate faithfulness is the tender voice that is wooing you to give your problems and struggles to the Father "so that He can use them in such a mighty and righteous way."
And what is this mighty and righteous way?
Despite its marvelous, multi-faceted, and mysterious nature, this mighty and righteous way is no walk in the park -- it is not an easy road. It is a path full of questions and hardships yet one filled with untold blessings that only glorious grace will reveal to you in God's time.
Some of the questions in your mind might be: Am I doing the right thing in sharing all of this? Am I being sensitive to others whose biblical stance on homosexuality is different from mine? Am I being a light to LGBTQ individuals who want nothing to do with Christ? What about those Christians who will ignore me completely upon reading my posts? What do you want me to share, God? How can my story reflect your love to a world where lovelessness goes ever more rampant?
And some of the hardships you may be facing now or in the future could be: the loss of some important relationships, the loss of esteem in the eyes of the world, insults and accusations and threats and persecutions from individuals who feel betrayed or judged by your current understanding of Scripture, and many more to be revealed later.
I do know, however, that the gentle Healer is addressing your wounds and hardships, especially this one you voiced in such a gut-wrenching manner:
"It's hard to admit to someone you've cared for, to yourself, and to the Father that something you've spent so much time investing in was all something that was wrong."
This must be so so hard, dear one. It must feel as though you had to rip your own heart out of your chest. It must feel as though you had to stab a part of yourself. And I have to think of the one to whom you became so attracted and attached. I am sure that he, too, must have endured unspeakable pain to hear the voice he had come to cherish say no -- to see you erect a huge stop sign to the relationship must have hurt. It must have pained you immensely to come to this crossroads: Should you temporarily hurt yourself and the one whom your flesh craved or grieve the One whose flesh was mutilated on the cross on your behalf?
Sammy, please know that suffering is God's perfect vehicle to drive you and those He has placed on your path to a place of blissful intimacy with the Father, the One whose holy wrath crushed His Son on the cursed tree so that your eternal hunger for God might be fed and satisfied. To quench your thirst and feed your hunger, Jesus offered Himself to be ridiculed, despised, flogged, rejected, pierced, nailed, and slaughtered. Remember how it pierced Mary's heart to watch her beloved firstborn die. Likewise, know that the Father is suffering with you and will use your own pain to bring comfort, hope, peace, joy, and love to you and to others.
Know as well that you need not stop caring in the Spirit for the person in that past relationship. Pray that the Lord will continue to foster in you a new heart and a new spirit of love and grace towards him. Pray genuine prayers of continued holistic wellness and blessings on his behalf.
Pray on behalf of other LGBTQ individuals who have suffered incredibly much through insults and injustices from misinformed people (Christians and non-Christians alike). Pray for those who feel so isolated and rejected, misunderstood and unknown, confused and seeking truth. Pray that the Lord Himself will meet them at their point of deepest need.
Pray for non-believers in Christ. Pray that, as they observe you and the way your brothers and sisters in Christ respond to homosexuality, nothing will hinder the message of love and grace Christ intends for them.
Pray for the Church. Pray that we will learn to humbly learn and listen (there is always room for growth and better understanding). Pray for a spirit of brokenness on our part that we may recognize what our role is -- to share gently and generously but to wait and trust that it is the Holy Spirit's prerogative to convince, convict, and change hearts. He has done that for you and will continue to transform you into the likeness of Christ. Let us trust that He is transforming others in His way, in His time, for His glory.
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