A Diamond in the Rough

Ah, summertime. The freshness of summer finally brought forth a cool breeze of relaxation, peace, and rest. Although my endeavors for the time being weren't quite physically restful (I was working at a kids camp that required most of my time during the day, leaving us extremely exhausted by the time we were off the clock), the Lord drew me to rest in Him daily and seek His face most abundantly. I honestly couldn't believe it was just a matter of months before that I had completely lost my way, turning my life toward a slippery slope that almost wrecked my being. But as it was, my Father placed beautiful people in my life to help direct my path back toward His gorgeous radiance. 

I was app free. 

Even more importantly, I was learning biblical truth about my thorn, how God was using it to strengthen my relationship with Him and with others, and how to rest in the Spirit whenever temptation would strike. 

The Father truly was lathering me in His grace, and I count it such a blessing.

I remember having several discussions in my beautifully redeemed friendships and with my father in the Spirit, many of which resulted in my sharing about the direction I was being led and how God was going to use my testimony somehow, someway. I just knew it. 

Then, something miraculous happened. An occurrence I would and still to this day consider a reward. Perhaps a reward from the loving Father for seeking and trusting my obedience in Him, or a reward simply to "try out," if you will, my newfound redemption. Whatever the reason, I was ecstatic. 

Backtracking just a little bit, I had previously met a girl, one I would consider absolutely beautiful, inside and out. She glowed with radiant light displaying the Holy Spirit and the joy that only He could fore-gleam. We met right at the end of the semester, so I didn't quite have time to really get to know her. However, opportunities arose during the summer time that unreservedly could not be ignored. I had to talk with her more. I was drawn to her. 

Finally, toward the end of the summer, we spent time together. I visited her often, and easily the time would fly by far too quickly, leaving us with unanswered questions that we both knew were being pondered on each end. Is there something here? Is this in my head or does she feel this too? But even more importantly, Father, what about my struggle? I don't want to mess this up. . . 

By the time the fall semester had started we were definitely in some sort of a relationship. Unofficial (because we hated labels), but a relationship more or less. It was refreshing and rejuvenating, but I think we both had an uneasy feeling about entering school and what the talk would be. Being at a small Christian University, talk travels quickly, so we wanted to be full-on prepared for questions and rumors that were already being stirred about us.

Our relationship flourished. Although it was new and very different from what I had been used to, we sought the Lord and His direction in our lives together. I hadn't told her yet about my struggle or my past, but she seemed to somehow know that there was something I was keeping from her, and she waited patiently for me to be open and transparent with her whenever the time came. In a matter of months, however, I started encountering great amounts of stress from the sophomore slump into which I was sinking. School was tough, time consuming, and restless. I had such a difficult time balancing my relationship with her, school work, practice, my job, and my friends all on the same scale. I couldn't handle it, and it led to an ending of our relationship with hopes of something in the future. And I knew, because we were both so similar, that when we agreed to hope for something in the future, we genuinely meant it. Though we created a bountiful amount of space between us, I trusted that our paths wouldn't diverge for good.

In the meantime, I enwrapped myself in the drama of my friendships. The consequences of my fleshly desire just months before resulted in such a fragile heart that was easily bruised and tossed all over. I was deeply battling with my struggle and continued to seek guidance from my voice teacher, but for some reason I couldn't shake the pain it had caused. I was longing for love and affection and knew that it wasn't the same love and affection I would receive from my just ended relationship. The urge for what I had once known quickly spread through my veins, and I found myself indulging in the same actions I had previously fought so hard to leave. Nevertheless, I slowly lifted my rattling knees and hobbled forward with Christ the best I could; yet, I constantly placed my value in what the app supplied instead of what my Savior said.

The battle was bloody. Often I tried to justify my actions due to the fact that I was no longer in a "relationship" and I wasn't really doing anyone else any harm, but even I knew that idea was pure absurdity. And in all honestly, my activity was doing harm -- quite a lot, to tell the truth. And I had no idea the destruction it was fabricating.

Though the months were few, I fought hard with the cycling addiction that reentered my life and took over every aspect that it could. I vividly remembered the exact emotion and devastation I had encountered before from my mistakes, but for some reason I was afraid of true confession, true vulnerability; not just talking about my struggles but actually confronting them and casting them on the Lord to take from me. The idea seemed barbaric and reverberated my past, and I believed that others and God were tired of hearing about my cycle again. So I foolishly kept it in and fought alone.

Now, bear with me as I say that by Christmastime, I was ready. There was one specific day that is so vividly engraved in my mind, and I'm not sure if my imagination enriched the picture that my physical eyes watched or if it was truly this unbelievable, but what I encountered was far from ordinary. The most easily made decision I had made in a long time was on this very day. It was exactly on the day that we were to move out of the dorms and back to our far off homes for the holidays that I saw the beauty radiating from her again. Amidst all the trouble I had caused in her life that semester, the ripping of my heart from hers, the games I had nonchalantly played while away from her, there was still a glimmering shimmer of joy that smoothly bounced off her face. I knew in that moment that I had to pursue her again. It was inevitable. 

A Chat Worth Having

Sammy, my dear son,

Several issues arose in my corner of the world between my response to your post "Vulnerable" and the most recent "A New Beginning" entry you published a week ago today. Chief among them was the earth-shattering news of my dear sister losing her life to triple negative breast cancer, a beast that ravaged her otherwise healthy body in her prime, mind you.

I miss her so terribly.

Devastated and heart-broken, I wished myself forward and onward to no avail. You came to mind often but it has taken me quite a while to whisk myself up from the valley of my tear-drenched bed to your spirit-lifting blog.

Seeing you at church this morning triggered something in me.
I climbed up the familiar hill in yet another pilgrimage to your blog.
As you can now see, my flowing pen readily testifies that I am glad I did.

In many ways, my current grief turns my heart into fertile soil for the reception of God's Word. Joy and gratitude erupt from my heart today as I read therein, " . . . I will bring health and healing . . . I will heal my people and will let them enjoy abundant peace and security . . . I will cleanse them from all the sin they have committed against me and will forgive all their sins of rebellion against me" (Jer 33:6, 8).

Peace.
Health.
Healing.
Security.
Cleansing.
Forgiveness.

What amazing promises from the Lord!
What needed truths for the ears of the Israelites!

Sammy, the above were not only intended for the contemporaries of Jeremiah; they are equally promised to me, to you, to all Christ-followers from the very lips of the Father who delights in bestowing gifts upon gifts to His children who are in desperate need.

And the Lord knows that we are needy.

Indeed, your post revealed to me with utmost clarity that you felt needy. You erroneously sought to meet your need through an app and quickly became addicted to that technological tool. In your words, the app "drew [you] in . . . enticed [your] hungry heart to play its secret game of life . . . [you] breathed it."

Next, your entry explained how this addiction came about. You became exposed to it through a few acquaintances who had downloaded it on their iPhones. You were intrigued by it despite the check in your spirit warning you from the get-go that it was corrupt. Nonetheless, peer pressure led the way and you found yourself not only trying it in the company of "friends" but also much more overtly in the confines of your private, personal space -- never mind that it grew increasingly more dangerous and ensnaring.

Your confession further revealed that you tasted the nectar of that app. That unfortunate sip intoxicated you enough to fool you into thinking that the app within your grasp was powerful enough to grant you your innermost desires -- finding a guy who is gay/bi/same-sex attracted with whom you can discuss your feelings, a man who can understand your need, an attractive male who could relate to you, a good-looking hunk who could fulfill you.

You are not alone, my son.

The Lord knows that you are needy.
He knows that I am needy, too.

You are no longer partaking in such an endeavor. I have never had such an app within my reach. However, you and I both have a strong desire in our hearts to seek fulfillment and satisfaction in all kinds of unfruitful places. Truth be told, all human beings are prone to wander from the Vine who alone can provide the only fruit that stills, heals, secures, cleanses, satisfies, fulfills, and forgives.

Let us walk together as we surrender all these yearnings and longings to the Lord. He is the only app worth our hearts. Only He possesses the beauty worth our adoration. Only His Word can provide the fulfilling chat conversation that can nourish our minds.

Be blessed, my son!

A New Beginning

Technology.  This tool has increased our knowledgeability and access to any bit of information in the world. Having it right at the touch of our fingertips, it is astounding to see how readily capable we are of researching anything that draws our interest!

My biggest temptation became technology. It allowed me to search whatever my wounded heart desired. I contemplated sharing my most secretive temptation in fear of rejection, disgust, the memories of my pain and brokenness, and so many other reasons that justified my doing so. Fighting to be disobedient has only exposed my innermost turmoil and brought me to share openly the battle I faced for what seemed like years during the spring semester of my freshman year of college and further. 

An app. 

My biggest temptation was an app. I became addicted to it. It drew me in and enticed my hungry heart to play its secret game of life. I breathed it. 

Now, most of you have no idea what I am talking about. I was not simply addicted to a game. It is not educational. It is not social media. It is not a game of logic. 

I became exposed to this app through a few acquaintances who had it on their iPhones. It intrigued me, but I knew from the very first sight of it that it was corrupt. Events led me to download the app out of humor for others. We wanted to see what it was all about, but that quickly drew me in even further. How could I have this and keep it a secret? I easily deleted it and tossed it from my mind, not realizing that it had already become a seed waiting to sprout at any moment. A few days later, my fertile imagination began to stir. I sat alone in my dorm room starving to feed my curiosity.

I had to download it again.
I needed to use it alone.
So I did. 

I created a profile and left my face out of the picture. 

I used valid information about myself, but kept it vague just to be careful. 

Then I tested it out. I began messaging other people -- guys -- just to have idle conversation and get to know them. It was intoxicating. I felt secretive and rebellious again, and was uneasy with the thought. This app allows guys to converse with other guys who are gay/bi/same-sex attracted. Maybe even meet up if they wanted. I knew I wouldn't go that far, but I wanted someone to understand. Someone to talk to about my feelings who could really relate to me. 

Grievously, my partaking in this endeavor allowed Satan to use this app as a toy to try and ruin my faith, to rupture the new heart God was creating in me, and to addict my being to the every day temptation it provided. Although I confessed this deeply hidden addiction to my voice teacher and accountable friends, I continued this addiction for over a year. Months of fresh air cleansed my being that following summer,  but quickly I found myself wandering in the darkness and downloading it again, then deleting it, then re-downloading, then deleting. I still had the thorn that pressed within my exposed and torn heart. It never left, but instead opened up a brand new world for my desire. A secretive world that no one else could stumble upon. Or so I thought . . .

***

Wrapping up my freshman year of college was difficult. Difficult because I severed relationships, broke hearts, left my comfort zone, and began a new path. I felt like I was leaving a brand new person. One who had trusted true vulnerability, encountered intense struggle and hurt, confusion, brokenness, redemption, forgiveness, and grace. I was leaving a new creation. I was confident in the Lord and His work in me. Though I knew not what was to come, I knew that I was still in my Father's Hand and He held me dear to His heart. I began to seek consistent time with my Father and hand over whatever temptation came my way. Difficult, indeed, but truly rewarding. I felt clean, but more importantly, I was confident in my cleanness. I knew that I would still struggle every single day. I knew that the excruciating pain of my tender past would constantly be a reminder of my brokenness, which resulted in my continuing cycle of battling my newfound enticement. But I furthermore learned that it reminded me of my need for a Savior. It reminded me of what Christ endured on the Cross for me and my sin. It reminded me of God's agape love and how I am to love others. Though there is so much more to my story, at this time in my life, all I needed was a reminder that the gospel was real and I was being used by the Lord to lead others to Him. And He provided just that.