Just Beginning

Why is this happening to me? 

Why won't God take it away?

What is the point of this?
No one else has it!

These were constant thoughts I argued with every single day after the moment I really grasped that I struggled with same-sex attraction. It wasn't fair. Why would a perfect and Holy God make me do something that He says is wrong, according to His Word? I didn't understand.

I continued on just like any other sixth grader at my school. I worked on my homework, I played basketball, I hung out with my friends, I went to church camp -- I continued to act just like any other kid because I was a kid. But this feeling inside of me, it kept ripping at my thoughts, my desires, my urges for something else that I thought was wrong. 

By the time I was in the seventh grade, I had already allowed my mind to commit such evil desires that I physically felt unclean. My mind was constantly racing with images, confusion, wanting to know more about my fleshly desires, so I gave in. For the first time in my life, I laid my eyes upon pornography, and it quickly took over my being. 

I never thought that I would be addicted to something like pornography. It became such a common thing for me. When no one was home, when I went to bed, anytime I could have more, I took my opportunity. It drove my world and had me at its control. I knew that it was wrong, but I had no intention of running from my guilt. The satisfaction it supplied me with was greater, in my opinion, than the consequences I didn't see coming. 

For years this addiction played a significant role in my life. I fought with the battle of same-sex attraction every single day. Some days I was mentally and even physically exhausted from the fight I had going on in my mind and in my heart. It controlled my emotions, my actions, my thoughts and words, everything. I would wake up in the morning and crave the desires my flesh so longed for. The satisfaction I received from just the slightest taste of fulfilling my addiction was enough to keep me drowning in the state Satan had me locked in.

But God is a loving, merciful, gracious, all-powerful, forgiving Father.
In the midst of all my confusion, God still was at work. He allowed me to enrich myself in my fleshly desires and still loved me. He never forgot my name that was forever engraved in the palm of His hand. He loved me through it all. Through my addiction that carried on all the way through high school, God was patient. 

My struggle continued to look like this:
Don't tell anyone and it won't be real.
Don't get caught.
God does love me, but this isn't fair.
Lead worship and maybe I'll change.
Go to church more and He will help me.
Date the prettiest girls and it won't be visible. 
Do manlier things and it won't be questioned.
Listen to Christian radio.
Just do what you want, no one knows anyway.

I couldn't tell you how many things I pretended to be interested in just so I could hide my struggle. I was not going to be found out. Somehow, I would fix this. I would pray more. I would go to church more. I would read my bible more. I would stop looking at pornography. I would date a great Christian girl. I'd do anything to make this struggle go away.

But none of it worked.
I just couldn't figure out why. Why did it seem like I could do about everything right and this still had a grip on me? For about five whole years my struggle significantly implored doubt into my salvation.
Do I honestly have a relationship with Him?
Maybe I'm not saved….should I pray for salvation again?
What if I'm not really asking for forgiveness?
How can I be more genuine?
Am I really praying to God?
Is He even listening?

Constantly, these questions were flowing through my mind and making me doubt the love God had for me. Keeping my struggle in the dark was only leading me down a path for destruction.

My life could be summed up in one simple word:

Confusion.

I felt abandoned and alone. In everything else I had someone, except this. This was the only battle I could not surface. I just couldn't. I didn't want to. I was ashamed.

The promise in this is that confusion is not of the Lord. He is forever faithful and constant. He will never leave or forsake us. His love never fails us. He makes all things work together for the goodness of our lives. God had a plan through all of these years while I was trying to figure out my life on my own.

Still, I sat in my sinful stench and loathed my life.