My biggest temptation became technology. It allowed me to search whatever my wounded heart desired. I contemplated sharing my most secretive temptation in fear of rejection, disgust, the memories of my pain and brokenness, and so many other reasons that justified my doing so. Fighting to be disobedient has only exposed my innermost turmoil and brought me to share openly the battle I faced for what seemed like years during the spring semester of my freshman year of college and further.
An app.
My biggest temptation was an app. I became addicted to it. It drew me in and enticed my hungry heart to play its secret game of life. I breathed it.
Now, most of you have no idea what I am talking about. I was not simply addicted to a game. It is not educational. It is not social media. It is not a game of logic.
I became exposed to this app through a few acquaintances who had it on their iPhones. It intrigued me, but I knew from the very first sight of it that it was corrupt. Events led me to download the app out of humor for others. We wanted to see what it was all about, but that quickly drew me in even further. How could I have this and keep it a secret? I easily deleted it and tossed it from my mind, not realizing that it had already become a seed waiting to sprout at any moment. A few days later, my fertile imagination began to stir. I sat alone in my dorm room starving to feed my curiosity.
I had to download it again.
I needed to use it alone.
So I did.
I had to download it again.
I needed to use it alone.
So I did.
I created a profile and left my face out of the picture.
I used valid information about myself, but kept it vague just to be careful.
Then I tested it out. I began messaging other people -- guys -- just to have idle conversation and get to know them. It was intoxicating. I felt secretive and rebellious again, and was uneasy with the thought. This app allows guys to converse with other guys who are gay/bi/same-sex attracted. Maybe even meet up if they wanted. I knew I wouldn't go that far, but I wanted someone to understand. Someone to talk to about my feelings who could really relate to me.
Grievously, my partaking in this endeavor allowed Satan to use this app as a toy to try and ruin my faith, to rupture the new heart God was creating in me, and to addict my being to the every day temptation it provided. Although I confessed this deeply hidden addiction to my voice teacher and accountable friends, I continued this addiction for over a year. Months of fresh air cleansed my being that following summer, but quickly I found myself wandering in the darkness and downloading it again, then deleting it, then re-downloading, then deleting. I still had the thorn that pressed within my exposed and torn heart. It never left, but instead opened up a brand new world for my desire. A secretive world that no one else could stumble upon. Or so I thought . . .
***
Wrapping up my freshman year of college was difficult. Difficult because I severed relationships, broke hearts, left my comfort zone, and began a new path. I felt like I was leaving a brand new person. One who had trusted true vulnerability, encountered intense struggle and hurt, confusion, brokenness, redemption, forgiveness, and grace. I was leaving a new creation. I was confident in the Lord and His work in me. Though I knew not what was to come, I knew that I was still in my Father's Hand and He held me dear to His heart. I began to seek consistent time with my Father and hand over whatever temptation came my way. Difficult, indeed, but truly rewarding. I felt clean, but more importantly, I was confident in my cleanness. I knew that I would still struggle every single day. I knew that the excruciating pain of my tender past would constantly be a reminder of my brokenness, which resulted in my continuing cycle of battling my newfound enticement. But I furthermore learned that it reminded me of my need for a Savior. It reminded me of what Christ endured on the Cross for me and my sin. It reminded me of God's agape love and how I am to love others. Though there is so much more to my story, at this time in my life, all I needed was a reminder that the gospel was real and I was being used by the Lord to lead others to Him. And He provided just that.
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