Ah, summertime. The freshness of summer finally brought forth a cool breeze of relaxation, peace, and rest. Although my endeavors for the time being weren't quite physically restful (I was working at a kids camp that required most of my time during the day, leaving us extremely exhausted by the time we were off the clock), the Lord drew me to rest in Him daily and seek His face most abundantly. I honestly couldn't believe it was just a matter of months before that I had completely lost my way, turning my life toward a slippery slope that almost wrecked my being. But as it was, my Father placed beautiful people in my life to help direct my path back toward His gorgeous radiance.
I was app free.
Even more importantly, I was learning biblical truth about my thorn, how God was using it to strengthen my relationship with Him and with others, and how to rest in the Spirit whenever temptation would strike.
The Father truly was lathering me in His grace, and I count it such a blessing.
I remember having several discussions in my beautifully redeemed friendships and with my father in the Spirit, many of which resulted in my sharing about the direction I was being led and how God was going to use my testimony somehow, someway. I just knew it.
Then, something miraculous happened. An occurrence I would and still to this day consider a reward. Perhaps a reward from the loving Father for seeking and trusting my obedience in Him, or a reward simply to "try out," if you will, my newfound redemption. Whatever the reason, I was ecstatic.
Backtracking just a little bit, I had previously met a girl, one I would consider absolutely beautiful, inside and out. She glowed with radiant light displaying the Holy Spirit and the joy that only He could fore-gleam. We met right at the end of the semester, so I didn't quite have time to really get to know her. However, opportunities arose during the summer time that unreservedly could not be ignored. I had to talk with her more. I was drawn to her.
Finally, toward the end of the summer, we spent time together. I visited her often, and easily the time would fly by far too quickly, leaving us with unanswered questions that we both knew were being pondered on each end. Is there something here? Is this in my head or does she feel this too? But even more importantly, Father, what about my struggle? I don't want to mess this up. . .
By the time the fall semester had started we were definitely in some sort of a relationship. Unofficial (because we hated labels), but a relationship more or less. It was refreshing and rejuvenating, but I think we both had an uneasy feeling about entering school and what the talk would be. Being at a small Christian University, talk travels quickly, so we wanted to be full-on prepared for questions and rumors that were already being stirred about us.
Our relationship flourished. Although it was new and very different from what I had been used to, we sought the Lord and His direction in our lives together. I hadn't told her yet about my struggle or my past, but she seemed to somehow know that there was something I was keeping from her, and she waited patiently for me to be open and transparent with her whenever the time came. In a matter of months, however, I started encountering great amounts of stress from the sophomore slump into which I was sinking. School was tough, time consuming, and restless. I had such a difficult time balancing my relationship with her, school work, practice, my job, and my friends all on the same scale. I couldn't handle it, and it led to an ending of our relationship with hopes of something in the future. And I knew, because we were both so similar, that when we agreed to hope for something in the future, we genuinely meant it. Though we created a bountiful amount of space between us, I trusted that our paths wouldn't diverge for good.
In the meantime, I enwrapped myself in the drama of my friendships. The consequences of my fleshly desire just months before resulted in such a fragile heart that was easily bruised and tossed all over. I was deeply battling with my struggle and continued to seek guidance from my voice teacher, but for some reason I couldn't shake the pain it had caused. I was longing for love and affection and knew that it wasn't the same love and affection I would receive from my just ended relationship. The urge for what I had once known quickly spread through my veins, and I found myself indulging in the same actions I had previously fought so hard to leave. Nevertheless, I slowly lifted my rattling knees and hobbled forward with Christ the best I could; yet, I constantly placed my value in what the app supplied instead of what my Savior said.
The battle was bloody. Often I tried to justify my actions due to the fact that I was no longer in a "relationship" and I wasn't really doing anyone else any harm, but even I knew that idea was pure absurdity. And in all honestly, my activity was doing harm -- quite a lot, to tell the truth. And I had no idea the destruction it was fabricating.
Though the months were few, I fought hard with the cycling addiction that reentered my life and took over every aspect that it could. I vividly remembered the exact emotion and devastation I had encountered before from my mistakes, but for some reason I was afraid of true confession, true vulnerability; not just talking about my struggles but actually confronting them and casting them on the Lord to take from me. The idea seemed barbaric and reverberated my past, and I believed that others and God were tired of hearing about my cycle again. So I foolishly kept it in and fought alone.
Now, bear with me as I say that by Christmastime, I was ready. There was one specific day that is so vividly engraved in my mind, and I'm not sure if my imagination enriched the picture that my physical eyes watched or if it was truly this unbelievable, but what I encountered was far from ordinary. The most easily made decision I had made in a long time was on this very day. It was exactly on the day that we were to move out of the dorms and back to our far off homes for the holidays that I saw the beauty radiating from her again. Amidst all the trouble I had caused in her life that semester, the ripping of my heart from hers, the games I had nonchalantly played while away from her, there was still a glimmering shimmer of joy that smoothly bounced off her face. I knew in that moment that I had to pursue her again. It was inevitable.
By the time the fall semester had started we were definitely in some sort of a relationship. Unofficial (because we hated labels), but a relationship more or less. It was refreshing and rejuvenating, but I think we both had an uneasy feeling about entering school and what the talk would be. Being at a small Christian University, talk travels quickly, so we wanted to be full-on prepared for questions and rumors that were already being stirred about us.
Our relationship flourished. Although it was new and very different from what I had been used to, we sought the Lord and His direction in our lives together. I hadn't told her yet about my struggle or my past, but she seemed to somehow know that there was something I was keeping from her, and she waited patiently for me to be open and transparent with her whenever the time came. In a matter of months, however, I started encountering great amounts of stress from the sophomore slump into which I was sinking. School was tough, time consuming, and restless. I had such a difficult time balancing my relationship with her, school work, practice, my job, and my friends all on the same scale. I couldn't handle it, and it led to an ending of our relationship with hopes of something in the future. And I knew, because we were both so similar, that when we agreed to hope for something in the future, we genuinely meant it. Though we created a bountiful amount of space between us, I trusted that our paths wouldn't diverge for good.
In the meantime, I enwrapped myself in the drama of my friendships. The consequences of my fleshly desire just months before resulted in such a fragile heart that was easily bruised and tossed all over. I was deeply battling with my struggle and continued to seek guidance from my voice teacher, but for some reason I couldn't shake the pain it had caused. I was longing for love and affection and knew that it wasn't the same love and affection I would receive from my just ended relationship. The urge for what I had once known quickly spread through my veins, and I found myself indulging in the same actions I had previously fought so hard to leave. Nevertheless, I slowly lifted my rattling knees and hobbled forward with Christ the best I could; yet, I constantly placed my value in what the app supplied instead of what my Savior said.
The battle was bloody. Often I tried to justify my actions due to the fact that I was no longer in a "relationship" and I wasn't really doing anyone else any harm, but even I knew that idea was pure absurdity. And in all honestly, my activity was doing harm -- quite a lot, to tell the truth. And I had no idea the destruction it was fabricating.
Though the months were few, I fought hard with the cycling addiction that reentered my life and took over every aspect that it could. I vividly remembered the exact emotion and devastation I had encountered before from my mistakes, but for some reason I was afraid of true confession, true vulnerability; not just talking about my struggles but actually confronting them and casting them on the Lord to take from me. The idea seemed barbaric and reverberated my past, and I believed that others and God were tired of hearing about my cycle again. So I foolishly kept it in and fought alone.
Now, bear with me as I say that by Christmastime, I was ready. There was one specific day that is so vividly engraved in my mind, and I'm not sure if my imagination enriched the picture that my physical eyes watched or if it was truly this unbelievable, but what I encountered was far from ordinary. The most easily made decision I had made in a long time was on this very day. It was exactly on the day that we were to move out of the dorms and back to our far off homes for the holidays that I saw the beauty radiating from her again. Amidst all the trouble I had caused in her life that semester, the ripping of my heart from hers, the games I had nonchalantly played while away from her, there was still a glimmering shimmer of joy that smoothly bounced off her face. I knew in that moment that I had to pursue her again. It was inevitable.
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